Mind Chatter During TT February 3, 2010

It is inevitable. After doing 2 classes a day, everyday for 9 weeks [sometimes the classes are longer than 1.5 hours. Once we were treated to a 2-hour class by 2-hour Ted. Yes, that is his official nickname], you sometimes just want to TURN OFF. It can’t be helped. Sometimes, you are tired. Your mind fights you [isn't it always the case?]. You are mentally, physically, emotionally a wreck. On the outside, so what if my skin’s glowing but inside I feel like a bulldozer just rolled on my heart, my mind is making whimpering noises and my self is making accusations about my character and judgement.

The main thing that happens during TT is the breaking of your ego, or self. The self that tells you that you don’t need to go to class today, that you are ugly / fat / a total loser, the same self that is also the cause of many a self-destructive behaviour.

It was during Thursday of Week 2 [you know, the extremely hot class when it got up to 65Celcius - fuck me sideways!] that I had my first.. breakthrough.

So here goes my mental chatter :

*Pranayama Breathing*

Oh my GOD. It’s hot. My towel’s ALREADY soaked. What the hell?

*Half Moon Pose*

Ehhh, it’s not tooo bad. Just like a very balmy day back home. Just breathe.

*Head to Knee*

Yup, just like being stuck in the car on a hot day. Move along.

*Standing Bow Pose*

You have to be shitting me. This is insanely hot. Like, MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON A PLANE HOT.

*Standing Separate Leg Stretching Pose*

OW OW OW MY FEET. MY FEET. MY FEET. [I found out later that they have heating panels UNDER the floor... yikes!]

*Triangle Pose*

Get. Up. Get the FUCK up. GET UP. DO IT. COME ON. DO IT.

*Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee Pose*

Stand up. Get up. Do it. You’re such a fucking failure. GET UP. Motherfucker, don’t just STAND there and cry. GET. UP. SHUT UP.

*Tree Pose*

You stupid crying sissy. You are much stronger than this. GET. UP. Fucker, GET UP. You didn’t PAY to come here and CRY. GET UP GET UP GET UP. GET THE FUCK UP.

*Toe Stand*

You’re a fucking failure. Just LOOK AT YOU. Look at you. Fucking mess, fucking failure. You got a degree in Spanish and Italian that you didn’t even use in your job? Oh, what was your job? THAT’S RIGHT – a copywriter. Did you even win any awards huh? Oh, runner-up / special mention, that is mighty fucking fine. Not a gold, right?  Get up. I said, GET THE FUCK UP. Stop shaking your head like that. GET UP. I don’t fucking CARE if you can’t feel your hands, GET. UP. What do you mean your foot is cramped? Fuck you! YOU ARE WEAK AND AN IMBECILE, YOU CAN’T EVEN FINISH ONE CLASS IN WEEK FUCKING TWO. YOU FUCKING WEAKLING. IS IT ANY WONDER THAT YOU ARE THE BLACK SHEEP OF THE FAMILY? THAT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE WEAK WEAK WEAK WEAK WEAK WEAK WEAK. YOUR FATHER THINKS YOU’RE A FUCKING FAILURE IN LIFE AND HE IS RIGHT. YOU CAN’T EVEN LOSE WEIGHT, YOU CAN’T EVEN KEEP A STEADY JOB, YOU EVEN FAILED WHEN YOU TRIED TO OFF YOURSELF 5 YEARS AGO. YOU ARE A FUCKING FAILURE. YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A…

Stop.

Shut up.

WHAT?

I said. Shut. Up.

Total silence engulfed me. Just like that, my self – the one that told me that throughout my whole life I would never amount to anything great – died that day. The same self that let my Self be picked on, covered up and buried.

Oh it didn’t end there. By Cobra pose, the chatter was still there – though not as loud. That same self was urging me to STAY IN THE ROOM, or risk looking like a total fuck-up [Come on, you're MALAYSIAN. Are you going to embarrass the whole country by giving up NOW?].

After Cobra, when my hands were numb, my face was locked in a perpetual frozen stare with my jaws clamped shut [Botox!], that’s when my body said “Enough. Get me out of here, before I start foaming and send us back home in a cardboard box labelled “Remains” ! “

So I limped outside, helped by Fiona, to where the cold acrid desert air greeted me and cups of Gatorade, Powerade and Pedialyte with EXTRA SALT poured forth from the nurse.

All around me – there it was. People crying, shivering, hands clamped in lobster claws. Amidst chaos, that was where WE found IT – the silence, the death of our self and the rebirth of our Self – underneath layers of tears, fears and inner ghouls.

M*

Signs February 3, 2010

Wanted to do another mental chatter post [this time from TT - my very first mental breakdown - woo hoo! *dry sarcasm] but just HAD to blog this because it’s been very… strange.

So lately I’ve been out of the blogging scene as I’m busy with teaching, practicing, teaching, reading dialogue, teaching, sleeping, sleeping, sleeping, sleeping, sleeping, eating, trying not to get dehydrated – oh, did I mention teaching?

In addition to that, throw in personal drama, more personal drama and the fact that I have to sit down, evaluate, rethink realistically, emotionally, spiritually all about the dramas! [which is WHY I need my yoga so badly - 90 minutes in my LIFE where I can quiet the chatter and just be...]

Sign 1 :

While driving on the way to the studio, I was thinking of a very good friend of mine. My best male friend of 11 years [or more? Totally forgot!] whom I absolutely adore / love to death as a friend who was also going through some.. erh.. emotional crises of his own.

Doo doo doo, driving down, making my merry way down to the studio, when an ad came on for trips to where he’s at! STOP PRESS, HOLD CAR – nearly died of shock at the red light.

Hmm, does this mean that I ought to visit? Oh universe, stop toying with me and just drop a brick that says YES or NO on my head and be done with it.

Sign 2 :

While pondering the fate of my beloved country [with all the recent religious spates ... obviously orchestrated by some higher power as a means to something. People of Malaysia! WE DO NOT NEED ANOTHER MAY 13! DO WE NEED TO SENSELESSLY KILL EACH OTHER TO REBUILD A NATION?]

That being sad, as I was driving along Federal Highway back home after an EXHAUSTING / dehydrating class with Jakob and pondering about the sad state of affairs in Malaysia [first the extremists bomb churches - then they bomb a Sikh temple - now some twit has left a wild boar's head in a mosque]

Suddenly a van pulled into my lane, or rather, I pulled behind the van. [again, this is why you do not fuck with hydration, you can't tell jack from squat]. As I looked closer, the van’s credentials listed it as being from Persatuan Brahma Kumari Raja Yoga [ Brahma Kumari Raja Yoga Organisation].

Interesting, I thought to myself. Raja Yoga, as some of you may know, is one of the many limbs of Yoga that exists, alongside Hatha [physical] Yoga.

Hurriedly, I arrived home and started to Google [wee!] what this organisation is all about.

In a nutshell – it’s all about spirituality and brotherhood, no schisms, no doctrine – just love.

Maybe that’s what the world today needs – more love. And more yoga.

M*

Internal Monologuing January 26, 2010

I’m sure we’ve all had these before. The times where we want to drag ourselves to a Bikram class, to work, to school – to ANYWHERE but here [out of bed] – this thought creeps upon us.

“Only. Five. More. Miiiiiiiinuutteeeeeeesss”.

*groan

*hit snooze

Or, if you’re like me, turn off the alarm, go back to bed to snooze and wake up 5 minutes before class and start cussing like a sailor.

Just for shiz and giggles, here’s my internal monologue that happened to me on Sunday before I dragged myself to practice :

YAY ! Yoga! I get to stretch and work on lovely fascia and be all HAPPY!

Screw you.

Come on mind! Let’s go go GO GO GO!!!!!

Shut up

*somewhere in the background of my head Pie Jesu plays
Oh come on. Stop being so negative.

Your hamstrings fucking hurt. Go away. I want to curl up and watch CSI and ponder the sad stricken existence of my personal life.

OH COME ON!!!!! You can’t MOPE around forever!

Yes, I can. Watch and reap. Ohhh to be meeeee,  I am so loneleeeeeee

*Angusss deiiii. Angusss deiiiiiii

Well FUCK YOU TOO. I am putting both my legs out the door.

Don’t you fucking dare.

AHA! I’m getting INTO the car!

WAIT. WHAT. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

Ah the car is warm! See, we like it, yes, yes yes, we like it. See, we’re at the studio…

OK, no parking. Let’s go to McDonald’s, get a sundae. Love! Wait, wait wait wait HOLD ON A MINUTE.

Lalalala into the studio! lalalalala!

*Requiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeemmmm

I feel a little like Gollum / Smeagol talking over a ring. My precious!

Not quite sure what song was playing in my head? Here!

Yes, I’m a little kooky… but aren’t we all?

M*

Sex & Crystal Meth January 19, 2010

*waits patiently for weird hits.

SO! It has come to my delinquent attention, courtesy of thedancingj that one of my favouritest rock songs of the 90s [oh GOD I sound old now, hah!], is all about blowjobs and crystal meth.

“IT IS, LISTEN CAREFULLY, LISTEN. LISTEEENN!” she squealed as we [or rather, she] was driving up the coast to San Francisco.

NOOOO it’s not! It would’ve been CENSORED / MANGLED horribly in Malaysia if it were! [yeah, nowadays even the word BEER is bleeped out, like Beyonce's 'If I Were A Boy']

I think they get away with it cause he says it so fast! Listen!

She even recited the LYRICS ON SPOT [no problems with dialogue there!]. Intrigued, I decided to google the lyrics and dissect the song. I even tweeted about my AMAZEMENT that AFTER TEN YEARS I find out that it’s about such a… nasty / interesting subject matter! @Asohan [The Star's online editor] replied me back saying that it’s atypical of Third Eye Blind songs – man did I squeal that a journo replied me! FANGIRL MOMENT! Ahem ok end.

Don’t believe me? Think I’ve been smoking too much weed / doing too much yoga to mess up my current state of mind [IMPOSSIBLE!] … just look for yourself.

Exhibit ONE. The video. [I put the video up first so you may oogle at the very hot and doable Stephen Jenkins]

Exhibit TWO. The LYRICS! Please pay attention to bolded words. Whee!

Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo…
I’m packed and I’m holding I’m smiling
She living she golden and she lives for me
Says she lives for me
Ovation her own motivation
She comes round and she goes down on me
And I make her smile
Like a drug for you
Do ever what you want to do
Coming over you
Keep on smiling what we go through
One stop to the rhythm that divides you
And I speak to you like the chorus to the verse
Chop another line like a coda with a curse
Come on like a freak show takes the stage
We give them the games we play
She said I want something else
To get me through this
Semi-charmed kind of life baby baby
I want something else
Im not listening when you say
Good-bye
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo…
The sky was gold, it was rose
I was taking sips of it to my nose
And I wish I could get back there
Some place back there
Smiling in the pictures you would take
Doing crystal meth
Will lift you up until you break
It wont stop, I wont come down, I keep stock
With a tick tock rhythm and a bump for the drop
And then I bumped up
I took the hit I was given
Then I bumped again
And then I bumped again she said
How do I get back there to
The place where I fell asleep inside you
How do I get myself back to
The place where you said
I want something else to get me through this
Semi-charmed kind of life baby baby
I want something else
Im not listening when you say
Good-bye
I believe in the sand beneath my toes
The beach gives a feeling an earthy feeling
I believe in the faith that grows
And the four right chords can make me cry
When I’m with you I feel like I could die
And that would be all right, all right

[the following part was cut out of the radio edit]

When the plane came in
She said she was crashing
The velvet it rips in the city we tripped
On the urge to feel alive but now I’m struggling to survive
Those days you were wearing that velvet dress
You’re the priestess I must confess
Those little red panties they pass the test
Slides up around the belly
Face down on the mattress
One, and you hold me and were broken
Still its all that I want to do just a little now
Feel myself heavy as the ground
I’m scared but Im not coming down no no
And I won’t run for my life
She’s got her jaws now locked down in a smile
But nothing is all right, all right

[end of part that was edited out]

I want something else
To get me through this life baby
I want something else
Not listening when you say
Good-bye
Good-bye
Good-bye
Good-bye
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo…
The sky was gold it was rose
I was taking sips of it to my nose
And I wish I could get back there someplace
Back there in the place we used to
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo…
I want something else

THERE.

I don’t care. It’s still my favourite song and I’m looping it non-stop today.

M*

Sayings I Think Should Be Made Into Bumper Stickers January 16, 2010

Just because I’m trying to distract your attention. Yes, instead of posting up nudie photos, I am going to do it in a very corny way.

“Dialogue SAVES” Thanks J!

“Bikram Yoga teachers are superheroes cause we save lives”

“Don’t just stand there. DO IT!”

“Lock the knee. LOCK the knee. LOCK THE KNEE!”

“Don’t look at me, look at yourself!”

“GRAB YOUR FOOT, EVERYONE WAITING FOR YOU!”

“DON’T LOSE THE GRIP”

“Namaste, motherfuckers” [I said that after 2 jerks cut my line as I was driving. Asswipes. SEE - I have succesfully decompressed back to my real state of life ]

“Pull MORE. Pull HARDER. KEEP PULLING” [For thedancingj - WHICH POSTURE IS THIS FROM?!]

And that is all. Happy Saturday everyone!

p.s : Just cut my hair too. WHEE WHEE!

M*

The Great Big NOTHING January 14, 2010

thedancingj has politely requested [a few times] over Facebook for me to update my blog lest everyone forgets that I exist [and am alive] and be condemned to the murky depths of purgatory.

OK, she didn’t say that, but she did ask me to update!

Aside from committing to the Bikram101 Day Challenge [I've missed 2 days... which I will make up with a double!], I am also scheduled to teach 10-11 classes fulltime starting next week. Whopee! Unfortunately this also means that I have to curtail my love for spicy food as my throat / voicebox gets all funky after that, especially if I have to teach 2 classes back to back!

Teaching so far is a GREAT experience. The simplest things make me happy. The weirdest things also get me upset and frustrated. For example – someone not realising that Yoga isn’t necessarily about flexibility. Neither it is about religion! [Again, I tell people - if a few relatively simple movements is enough to make you convert from a monotheistic to an apparent tree/idol worship, you were not very strong in your faith to begin with! Nor is it about the principal that Yoga = RELIGION]. Happy things is when a student sees me outside class and begins to initiate conversation that have NOTHING to do with Yoga. A lady who was at the studio asking about the benefits of Yoga came up to me outside a coffee shop to wish me Happy New Year – and that really made my day!

Teaching is also incredibly DRAINING. It is incredibly HOT up the podium [no more falling episodes, I've learnt how to stay ON the podium], two studios don’t have a mic and although I come from a loud family [we love screaming up and down the hallway - I blame it on my hard-of-hearing ears!], by the second class I sound like a boy undergoing puberty.

WARDROBE! I guess I don’t have to wear corporate-y anymore [never have in the first place!], but this means that on days I feel lazy and not want to epilate my legs / underarms, I can’t exactly stroll to class and teach with fuzzy legs and a bear-rug living on my pits. Everyone will be horribly disgusted and die a horrendous death with foam coming from their eyes.

WEIGHT! I gained 6kg post #bktt, CAN YOU BELIEVE? I feel like a rather obese pregnant beached whale waddling the streets of KL. Apparently girls gain weight at TT, and then lose it easily after that. Really? Well I still have muffin tops that rival that of Jessica Simpson.

I am not too sure, after #bktt I’ve found I’m much more…CALM and zen and able to approach things from a different manner. But I guess that’s after 9 weeks of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual cleansing!

OK, gotta run. Need 8 hours’ of sleep today as I’m sick. Lymph nodes are swollen – indicating that my body’s fighting off an infection of sort. HA!

M*

Teaching HIGHlights January 6, 2010

I must admit, while standing up on a podium 3feet above ground, I can see everything. EVERYTHING. Like literally, E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.

I suddenly feel so powerful and awesome, all 160cm of me. AHA, this person is not aligned! AHA, he is not sitting down low enough. AHA, you are twisting your neck!

Here are some hilarious highlights that have happened to me in over the course of teaching …

- Power tripped, leaving my 730am class in uber darkness. Have you ever tried teaching in the dark? It’s really fun! In fact, someone could’ve left the class and I wouldn’t be any wiser. This where I have to say – DIALOGUE SAVES YOUR ASS. So I went to the back of the room to fiddle with the lights and power switch, all while reciting 2nd part Awkward and 3rd part. After class mum told me I forgot to make them BOUNCE for second set. The lights came back on in Triangle, with people coming in and out to try and fix it. Dialoge. Saves. Your. Ass. Remember that, future teacher trainees!

- Falling off the podium. Twice. While teaching. In my defence, the podium is coloured the same as the mat, and I was trying to get a closer look at a beginner. But whatever, I fell off the podium. To add insult to injury, my boss was taking my class, hopefully he didn’t see me slip off and try to get back on and slipping again. *blush.

- Students trying to talk to me when teaching. They motion it’s HOT [its Bikram HOT yoga, whaddaya think it'd be - cool and breezy?]

Now that I’ve come out of the closet cocoon that is TT, I am having post TT symptom/depression. But I now know that I’m back in the real world after I [accidentally] muttered “Fucking idiot” to myself while driving.

Not to mention – my stomach’s being all wonky and generally BLERGY post TT. I have discovered that eating meat / dairy / overly processed food [pickled vegetables!] will see me scurrying for the toilet and er, marking my butt print on the toilet seat. That and I feel severely nauseas after indulging in deep-fried food!

Oh well, here’s to healthier eating!

M*

2010 Yoga Asana Championship January 4, 2010

Apologies for the lack of updates!

Been busy teaching, studying dialogue [yes, still!], and spending time with my cats and googies.

So the most important update so far is… I LOVE TEACHING! Except for the times when I lose my voice, or my body explodes in a series of rashes [like today... which means I had a hard time figuring out my wardrobe or trying not to scratch / rub myself against a wall to relieve itching].

In more disappointing updates, I will NOT be competing in the 2010 Yoga Asana Championships due to monetary constraints. Alas, I have bills to pay, loans to pay off [COUGH!], more bills to pay. Added on to the fact that I want to concentrate on teaching for the next 3-6 months and be the best that I can be.

ON HINDSIGHT THOUGH – even though I may not be competing, I totally locked my right knee out and did the standing splits! Woot!

Then I promptly fell out and nearly crash landed into the mirror. *cringe.

But who cares about how high I kick or how far back I go? What matters is MY FORM! Precision, alignment, INTENSITY!!!!

And with that, I go back to my daily dose of living.

M*

p.s : BIKRAM101 DAY CHALLENGE! SO TOTALLY ON! Now to stock up on Baking Soda ..wee!

Don’t Put Your Feet In Different Boats… December 24, 2009

… or when you’re travelling down the river the boats will diverge and your ass will split into two.

That was one of the most valuable lessons I learnt in Bikram Yoga Teacher Training. That and when you even “think of cheating, you’re cheating your own soul and hurting it”.

I also learnt self-respect and self-love. As someone who struggled with confidence and esteem issues, it felt very empowering to go up in front of 310 people  [including Bikram!] and teach 3 demonstrators Ardha-Chandrasana ["Arms over your head sideways, interlock the fingers, release the index finger, thumbs crossed......COME DOWN AND PUSH, AND PUSH, AND PUSH"]. I can ONLY respect myself and treat myself the way I want to be treated, or, how else are my students going to respect me?

As I woke up this morning at 4.44am [I can only sleep for 5 hours a night now... thanks Boss!], I realised that my WHOLE life, right before TT, I was being a doormat for SO MANY PEOPLE. You feel like crap, had a bad day at work/uni? It’s okay, please hurl abusive remarks my way and I’ll be cool with it – although I did not react, I would still think about the hurtful words said and let it fester in my mind, like seeds of a rotten plant taking hold in my head.

Those days are now way behind me.

It’s NOT OK to walk on over me just because you need to make yourself feel better about what a sorry state you are.

I’ve also learnt how not to rest on my laurels and just.. get up on do it! THAT’S the aim of self-realisation- you are worth more than you think you are. Afterall, what’s the most valuable thing in life? “YOUR life, you idiots!” Boss would yell at us, every. single. time.

So enough with all the bullshit I’ve been living with for the past 24 years of my life. Time to start afresh and anew. Afterall, 2010 is only a few days away

M*

Off to Teacher Training! September 29, 2009

Why hello.

Allright, will be away for 9 weeks – life changing soul shaking mind bending body crushing change etc etc metaphor – so please visit my teacher training blog here.

four more hours. eek! As they say, “When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.”.

Doing it the Bikram way means “Chilling the fuck out, breathe through your nose and go have a Guinness”.

M*

p.s  : I WILL SEE YOU MICHELLE!