*Hantu Raya, Festival Ghost, or in this case, police who are on the lookout for extra “income” a month before Aidilfitri.

We all know that the month leading to Hari Raya is often one of the safest months. Safe because there are loads of our friendly and efficient policemen on the lookout for expired road tax [cough cough], overly tinted cars, passengers not buckled up in the backseat and lots more. In other words, they’re looking for some form of duit kopi [bribe].

From the “Oh, I’m a student, can’t afford” excuse to “I’ve been laid off”, many of us Malaysians are very… creative when it comes to looking for an excuse not to get a ticket. Or not to pay the bribe. Really, who would want to feed into this vicious cycle?!

But a friend of mine, Cheryl, shared her most creative excuse to avoid a ticket [courtesy of her sister!]

At a roadblock when the mata-mata [police] pulls her over for talking without a handsfree :

Police : So cik, macam maner nih? Nak saman ke tak mau saman? [How, Miss? Do you want a ticket or not?]

Sis : Oh bang! Maaf! Saya nak balik cepat sebab… saya… SAYA ADA H1N1! [I am sorry sir! I need to go home quick because... because... I HAVE H1N1!]

P : Oi. Betul ke ni. [Are you for real?]

S : YA BETUL! You sentuh I! *points to chin [Yes! Feel my temp!]

P : EH TAMAU. [NO THANK YOU!]

Sis : Tak tipu tuan! You cuba rasa I! [I'm not lying sir! I'm burning up!]

P : Eh. Kalau I sentuh, you nanti sembuh! [Eh. If I touch you, you will be cured!]

S : Takde lah bang! [Oh no way sir!]

*Feels temperature under the chin

P : Eh. Tak demam pun. You tipu I ke! [You're not having a fever. Are you lying to me?!]

S : Tak! You cuba rasa forehead I! [No I'm not! Feel my forehead!]

P : Eh takpayahlah. Pigi la pigi. [... I don't think there's a need to. Just go.]

So remember my Malaysian friends. H1N1. Fever. And wear a mask to look convincing and sniffle a little, will ya?

M*

Who’s there?

-Iz me.

Iz me, who?

- Iz me, Mei. Iz kam to leech teh interwebz off you. HA!

Ahem.

Yeah, still no inturwebz at mine cause we can’t move the furniture back up till Thursday so I popped over to my cousin’s for a bit while my CPU lounges downstairs in the kitchen.

That said, I think I’m getting intoxicated from the smell of lacquer, paint and whatnot floating around the house.

My mum’s so cute. Told her I’ll be bunking with Michelle aka bikramyogachick [sorry I can't link, it's quickpress and I've dumped out html codes in favour of kicking and stretching should be simultaneous 50-50...]. This was her reaction :

“How did you meet her?”
- Teh interwebz! [yes, I speak in lolspeak sometimes. Not good for grammar, as I spotted a few lolspeak in my copysheet!]
“… you met someone online and you’re staying with them?!”
- Yez
“… siao ah! [crazy!]. Who is this? How old is she?”
- …..mum. I think she has more to fear from me bunking at her place. I may very well terrorise her family into doing awkward pose 20 times a day.
“She will sell you to a vice ring!”
- I don’t think American men have a fetish for flat-chested Asian girls.
“….. “

M*

My internet is out of order as we’re doing renovation at home, namely polishing the parquet floor. Hence, everything upstairs has been moved downstairs and my house is a downright mess!

Hopefully everything’s back to order by this weekend.

Practice has also been affected, after a day of watching the painters/workers like a hawk [caw caw rawr!], I am SO DEAD by the time evening rolls by that I can barely drag myself to class. That and I can’t find my freaking costume / towel amidst the mess I call “The Bermuda Triangle of USJ5″.

That said, my productivity is sorta up.

AND WHAT IS THIS ABOUT AN ADVANCED SEMINAR IN LAS VEGAS 6-19TH DECEMBER AFTER MY TRAINING?

I WANNA GOOOOOOOOOOO. But unfortunately I will be departing the USA on 17th and thedancingj and I have mei-hem plans of an epic porportion.

Sigh. Advanced seminar. I wanna go! *whine.

M*

p.s : I now have every reason to suspect that they’ll give us US$10 lunch vouchers to eat. WHAT THE HELL. I don’t wanna waste time and go out to look for food!

p.p.s : I know I said I’ll never gain weight from all the yoga, but after eating out and stuffing my gob AND in a ridiculous amount of sweets and raya puddings NOT PRACTICING REGULARLY, I am starting to develop a rather formidable paunch.

so much things to do.

so little time.

why does freelancing work come in oh so last minute?

but I need the money, so I will STFU.

why do my cats and dogs insist on nibbling on my shoes or the roll of toilet paper? [Had a nasty surprise to find that Edward kindly minced and shredded my roll of toilet paper AFTER I did I took a dump. Grr!]

Oh and a quick one : Had a heart attack when I got my confirmed itinerary from Korean Air.

Supposed to ONLY have paid Singapore Dollar (SGD)1962.

Itinerary came in [with required adulation / congratulations], stating that I paid SGD2669 for my ticket.

What in the fuck. That’s almost a thousand SGD difference. Or TWO thousand Ringgit difference! [Around US$800].

Tried calling Korean Air’s hq in Singapore but got an automated drone. Hit one random language button and got transferred to a call centre operator in CHINA who could NOT speak English.

GRR!

My ancestors must be rolling in their graves right now.

M*

AAAAAARGH! *HISS!

If you’re thinking this is out of a vampire movie ala True Blood [looooove the show], you’re so wrong.

That was me, in class.

It felt SUPER humid, or maybe it’s cause it was before the rain, and by Trikanasana I was dehydrating majorly. Ah, but to keep calm and breathe and concentrate on the dialogue took me TOO DAMN MUCH EFFORT that I let my mind slip away and started thinking about, among other things :

- How much foodstuff should I bring over?

- OH SHIT yoga mat! Bella and Edward kinda tore holes in mine, but I don’t care.

and the kicker :

- Can I laminate / bind my copy of the dialogue for free?

Yes, I got my copy of the dialogue! WOO!!!!

Ahem.

Like I said, my mind wasn’t with me in class. I think it’s some form of coping mechanism that I’ve developed over the years – when the going gets tough, I start thinking of other things to distract myself [that's why I've got so many imaginary friends...]. Naughty not-present-in-the-moment yogini. I guess it’s one of those days!

And because I was dehydrating so much so early on [I SWEAR the studio director is cranking up the humidity to prepare us for TT], I experienced my first ever body cramp. Thank the heavens it was in kapalbhati breathing, because I sure as hell wanted to kick my leg out turn the toes in and un-cramp it.

If I can cramp in my little home studio, oh God, I’d better be prepared physically for training. Electrolytes, here I come!

M*

p.s :

Ah, finally, as promised. All about my 60 day / 107 day / 120++ class challenge!

It was hell, it was heaven, it was a real mix of emotions all rolled into one heck of a challenge. There were days I felt like a lump of turd, and there were days where I felt like a champion. There were days that I looked like a carcass after being dragged through the mud, and there were days where I looked glowing / absolutely positively HOT [according to fellow benders, but this was towards the end of the challenge].

I shall summarise my journey via the following categories. [Oh wow, I sound so formal now!] :

The Mental / The Emotional

Day 20-28 : I hit my LOWEST point ever. I felt so depressed, totally worthless, utterly useless, and possibly the WORST daughter any family could ever have. That and coupled with personal matters that cropped up later, I would drag my sorry flat ass to class and think : Just what in the bloody FUCK am I doing here? I did NOT pay RM1890 for this shit! Oh I want to kill you Erik / Jakob / Sean / Mei L. AND YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU CAN SUCK ON MY DICK! *rinse, repeat, for 90 minutes.

In other words, weepy, depressed. I cried several times during class, during the most inopportunte of moments [setting up for Rabbit with tears and sweat dripping down my face, coming up for Full Locust trying to breathe and not sound like a choking / dying cat, coming out of Camel trying to control my sobbing racking body - did I mention I was always front row when this happens?!]. Surprise surprise, after a good cry, I felt SO MUCH better. A friend asked, “Is that what BIKRAM YOGA does to you? Make you cry? Did it help you become a better person?”, and I’d say “Yes, it helped me get rid of my excess baggage, and I’m not sure if I’m a better daughter / person because of it, but it certainly helped with letting go of all the hurt, sadness, confusion, anger, disappointment I’ve been through my life [and that's A LOT]“.

Day ?? : There are days [like today] where I’m so smiley and happy clappy it would FREAK anyone who knew me 8 years ago. Seriously.You know, the days where you smile at everything and suddenly the world just seems a little brighter, although everyone around you is wearing a goddamn surgical mask.

Day ?? : And then there are days where I get oh so emotional, even the teenist tiniest bit of emotion will trigger waterworks. Example : OH the kitten is hungry! *tears start welling up. I blame the hormones. I blame the damn progesterone and estrogen and WHATEVER -terone.

The Physical

I haven’t lost ANY weight, but as of today, I weigh 45.5kg. In fact, I think I started losing too much  that the studio director once told me “Mei, you need to eat!”. Though I’ve noticed that I’ve toned up more and I’m *finally* losing those dreaded muffin tops.

For those of you who are starting your challenge [be it 30 or 60 Day], my advice is : The goal is NOT to lose weight drastically in a short period of time. Your body is changing, and with it comes all the wonderful goodness of a healthy spine, better inner plumbing *nods vigorously* and the MENTAL CLARITY / appreciation for the little things around you. Honestly, if I could, I’d love to tone up a little more and get back a bit more curves. I reckon that I now look like a boy with my sinewy hard and bony body that only a man who has a weird fetish could like. I know the “perfect” yoga body [as displayed by 2009 Champion Courtney Mace] is as such, but damn, I’d love to have a little padding on my chest and butt.

THE SEX DRIVE

Aha, I know you’ve all been waiting for this juicy bit of update. Folks, my SEX DRIVE was UP THE WALL, OVER THE CEILING, ALL THE WAY SHOOTING UP INTO SPACE. Ahem.

It felt almost as though I’m some horny 17 year old lacrosse jock who’s on the prowl, or even Samantha Jones from Sex and The City. Seriously. I’d be out with my friends [guy watching, heh], and point out a guy and go “Yes, I’d tap him”. They’d look at me in horror, almost as though I told them, “I just stuck my finger up your dad’s butthole and he loved it”.

That being said, a friend keeps on teasing me mercilessly about Vegas. “Oho, you’re gonna be so randy when you get there. And you know WHAT, you finally get to try WHITE MEAT!”.

“Oh sod off. I am going there for yoga study, not body study”.

“Nevertheless, don’t forget to pack the condoms ya!” he replied.

On a more ironic note, even IF I do, I’d be packing rubber from Malaysian trees, processed in Thailand, to be brought over to the USA. How’s that for a transcontinental fuck?

My friend, I shall be like the desert. HIGH AND DRY. That and I’ve got another man on my mind to bonk the living daylights out of.

The Emotional

Cool, calm collected. Things that used to faze / irritate / annoy / get me jumpy don’t seem to do so anymore. That being said, I still have yet to beat the living daylights of anyone who calls me “fucking idiot”.

Verdict :

60 days / 107 days / 120++ classes really does help. BUT, don’t do it purely to see certain fast results [eg weight loss, I want to get strong arms, etc]. Do it for YOURSELF with little / no expectations. In other words, go with the flow / however your body’s reacting! I’ve heard of people coming in just so they can lose a dress size in time for their wedding and I’m thinking “Oh LORDY! *facepalm*”. Because to me, personally, that’s not what YOGA is about.

Enough about me yapping my gob off, here are some photos that I took last week [that I promised J to upload, and shall now do so] :

Standing Head to Knee (3rd Part)

Is it just me, or is my right leg RIDICULOUSLY overlocked?! It honestly looks like a photoshop disaster, no, wait, a photoshop catastrophe. And excuse that little blubber peeking out. I just had dinner and no, that’s not ALWAYS my excuse. I literally had a pizza in my tummy while doing this. And the left big toe? Well, er, I’ve actually got a bunion on the toe so it causes me great difficulty to really point the damn toe in.

Standing Head to Knee (4th part)

Ah, the concentration part. I wish my forehead were up higher, but then again, apparently we Asian people suck at forward bending [or maybe it's just me].

Standing Bow Pose

Staaaaaaaaaanding spliiiiiits for competition. Whoops truncated leg!  At this rate, I honestly couldn’t be stuffed, teacher training is more important! At least my heels are in 1 line, though my left arm could be down just a tad, and my right shoulder rotated out more, and my body down just a tad. WHOPEE, my elbows aren’t doing the weird gangly / unsightly bending bit that grossed me out when I first saw a picture of myself doing this posture. Oh, and yes, chin should be up touching the shoulder.

Sasangasana

Wow my Rabbit looks more like a melted golf ball. Hips should be up more, though I’m not sure if I’m putting too much strain on my neck. And look at that belly, JUST LOOK AT IT! LOL!

Ustrasana (Camel)

I remember someone sniggering and saying this posture ought to be renamed “Camel Toe” -_-

Lookey, my hips aren’t too far forward, HOORAY! And boobs chest pushing up towards the ceiling. Elbows are still doing some weird funky bending, though I’m more concerned with how far forward my hips are pushing. Please excuse the belly, that calzone simply isn’t digesting too well. And what did I tell you about my flat ass, huh?!

Full Camel

Hmm I think my back needs a little bit more work. Went down into the posture a different way [hands on hips until my head's all the way down backwards] instead of just doing a backward bend into my feet. J, don’t I look like a table after it was beaten by a bunch of thugs?

And so ends my entry, together with a collection of not so pretty pictures. I’d insert a few manly jokes about my figure here, but I’ve had enough of being called “Mister NG” and “Boy”.

M*

p.s : Maybe I ought to grow my hair long and start wearing nail polish / eyeliner whenever I go out.

“Be present, be here now, for the past is gone and the future uncertain”.

So yes, I shall live my life in the NOW. Though I have done things that I’m not very proud of in my past, I’ll just amble along and see where life leads me. They say the past affects the present affects the future, but if I keep thinking about my past, or wondering if there was something I could’ve done right / better, I won’t be able to move forward!

Though I suspect NEVER tell this quote to a financial planner or one’s parents. Unless you want a solid 2 hour lecture.

M*

Oh my God.

Body sore. Legs sore. Everything but my nose is sore, unless there’s a posture named Painfaceasana that I missed!

So today was my first advanced class. It went OK, aside from the fact that I now realise that I have very little strength and literally no upper body strength to lift my puny 45kg self off the floor. *super pout.

With 3 bruises on my body, it brings the lovely collection of angry purple marks on my body to 7, though I have a feeling that I shall discover more markings tomorrow.

Jakob’s our coach, and he told us that by the time we’ve got our routines down to a pat, he’s gonna take us to practice in front of the Starbucks down by the studio as we “need to learn how to do the postures even with distractions”. Fun!

Ugh, bleary eyes. Can’t type straight.

M*

It irks me when people give you negative advice. You know, instead of giving useful, positive, constructive / character-building advice they tell you :

“Oh, but you’re young and single, so I think your US visa will be rejected”.

Er, I don’t need that sort of advice, thank you very much.

My response to that [cause I was infinitesimally pissed - who wouldn't be?!] :

Yes, I’m 24. Yes, I’m single. But what do you want me to do, ask my boyfriend or a friend to register a scam marriage just to help me along the way? Wouldn’t that be WORSE?

I am going to Las Vegas just to be a teacher, not to usurp resources from another country and get a green card. I am a citizen of a country I love and would be honoured to teach yoga WHEREVER I can. So, yes, I know the odds are stacked against me [young, cute, single, eligible bendy,  HAH!], but I have honest intentions, and that’s what I hope the interviewer at the US Embassy will see.

M*

p.s : LADY GAGA IN 24 HOURS. <3

p.p.s : Props to Foo for putting up with me again, and putting me up again. Do you have enough toilet paper ready for my arrival?

After coming back from a fun-filled trip in Singapore, I discover that one of my fave popstars, Lady Gaga, is going down to Singapore.

SIGH!

M*