Monthly Archives: May 2008

Inspiring Anecdotes

Since my life is about as interesting as porridge with dried onions, here are some anecdotes to help make me look like I’m a very interesting person.

#1

As I was lying down on the sofa making myself about as useful as a rug, my mum came up behind me and shouted “EE! SLUT!”. To which I turned around and wanted to yell “WHO YA CALLING A SLUT HUH?”, not before I spotted a slug making its way across my hall. SLUG, not slut.

#2

“Mei’s feeling like nesting, isn’t she?” was a comment my boyfriend’s colleague casually dished out. Well, just because I would like to know if Natalia or Damian are nice baby names, and that I would eagerly sell my liver to buy a house in Desa Parkcity doesn’t mean that I am ‘nesting’!

Fine, I admit – I secretly enjoy traipsing in Ikea looking at furniture, fingering bedsheets at Parkson and buying groceries.

#3

“I thought you were engaged!” my boss remarked to me over drinks one day. In fact, it was echoed by another colleague! Just because my boyfriend is 29 and we both exchanged rings [as a sign of our komeetman]… doesn’t necessarily mean we’re engaged, does it?

p/s : My engagement ring’s diamond has got to be bigger, no? 😉

#4

“AIEEEEEEEEEE okay okay 2 pairs of jeans! AIEEEEEEEE STOP STOP STOP!” – Kel waS screeching that as I employed my very own ambush tactics upon him last night. For my birthday, I so desire 1 pair [or maybe 2] of jeans and a hairdryer.

#5

“What the fuck was that? Indiana Jones meets ET?!” – Kel’s boss exclaimed after Indiana Jones & the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull ended.

Note  : Do not watch. Invest your money in something else, like a nice lunch and a bag to barf it all into after the movie has ended.

#6

I waltzed into Kel’s office on Friday to meet up before watching a wretched waste of money go to waste Indiana Jones. Since Kel was rolling his eyes as I showed off my pretty new giraffe bracelet [courtesy of Tiffany from her online shop], I decided to wriggle it to his colleague that actually understands art!

M* : Look! Giraffe! So pretty! Look look, it’s even got eyes and a cute black nose!

Nico : Oooh you’re so quirky, I like!

#7

Chimichanga chimichanga. That word has been in my head since Thursday. Googled it up and it turns out to be a lovely Mexican recipe which I will utilise in the near future.

M*

Flirty Wirty

Please excuse me while my eyebrows heal, but rest assured when they do, I’ll be posting up pictures and describing in full detail what on earth is “Eyebrow Embroidery”.

Yes yes, I’m a vainpot, so get over it already!

Aside from the sad fact that I’m working [lazily] from home on a public Holiday [on Buddha’s birthday, mind you], there has been nothing of interest in my life. Apart from the fact that I’ve watched Iron Man twice, felt like punching a client when I met him and apparently had a client flirt me up [that’s according to Vic, but I’ll just feign innocence], I’ve come to like lurking at home and certain shopping malls by myself.

Excuse me while I resume work and trying to flirt clients up.

M*

Con-grad-tulations!

Lousy pun, I know 😦

Heartiest congratulations to 2007 University of Auckland graduates!

– Miss Gilainne Sytingo

– Mr Matthew Wong

– Mr Chris Ong

Welcome to the working world now 😛

On a separate note, I’ve just got my eyebrows embroided. I may look like Justice Bao / a chinese opera singer now, but here’s hoping that I look *better* in a few days 😀

M*

I Wish You Syphillis & Herpes.

It is 8.39am on a Saturday morning as I am typing this out. Yes, no doubt there’s a timestamp, but I am writing this here for verbal impact as this is important to my rant.

I woke up at 7.40am. No, not to go for yoga (which would’ve been at 7am, but I digress).  It is because the neighborhood chacha line-dancing housewives-trying-to-dance association decided to test their brand new speakers. On full blast. At 7.40am. On a Saturday.

I hereby curse them with syphillis in the nose, herpes in the ass, may their nipples fall off, may their sons run off with immigrant (male) grasscutters and may their daughter be tied to a tree and hit repeatedly with a hornet’s nest.

And to the neighbour who thought it’d be good to practice his er-hu at 11.40pm (WHEN I WANT TO SLEEP) : I wish your mother would finally become a paraplegic, your father gets gonorrhea from a transvestite prostitute and that your maid would repeatedly rape your sister with a broomstick.

It was only till I yelled loudly “GOOD NIGHT” a couple of times whilst prancing up and down in my brother’s room (that little fucker can see me anyway) that he packed up his er-hu and went to masturbate over his mother’s body sleep.

You may ask how I managed to block out the horrendous music that they play : I’m currently blasting Sarah Brightman’s – Symphony on my loudspeaker. The other neighbours better be thankful I haven’t yet started blasting DJ Hellraiser / Rammstein / Insane Clown Posse. I’d rather listen to something I like, thank you very much.

And I don’t give two flying fucks that my next door neighbour is the cousin of the Sultan of Negeri Sembilan.

M*

Fire in the Hole!

I have an explosive case of diarrhea. It is so explosive, it’s powerful enough to drive Osama out of his cave and power a mini nuclear reactor for 5 months.

The most disgusting thing about it is that I can see bits of mushroom from yesterday’s breakfast present in my watery ejection today.

Can you imagine running to the toilet 4 times a day and waking up at night with a neolithic “SHIT! I need to SHIT!” urge?

I suspect my mum forgot to buy toilet paper as well.

FUCKDAMNIT!

M*

Random 7+1 Facts About Mei (that you already didn’t know)

Since Jook is a communist who thinks that I should be tagged, here I am doing one of these redundant “8-facts-I-wanna-know-but-really-don’t” sort of tags. But since Jook is a rockstar who is still a friend despite my lickings, all is forgiven.

Random Fact #1

I am a pure mixed-bred Chinese, with 1/8 Russian, some Thai and some Nyonya thrown in. Which explains why my brother looks slightly European and I look… Malay. At one point when I was wearing a baju kurung buying stationary with my brother, the sales assistant kept on gawking at my brother and I, asking “Siblings? But how come you’re Malay and he looks like cina celup?”.

Random Fact #2

My first translation gig was translating Kiwi sayings, euphemisms and humor to some Latin American classmates. Good times.

Random Fact #3

Before taking up Spanish and Italian in Uni, I actually applied [and got accepted at the last minute] to take up a Bachelor of Language and Speech Therapy. Which would’ve meant I would’ve become a speech therapist, earning bigger money than being a [starving] writer.

Random Fact #4

I didn’t start wearing skirts until I was 13 or 14.


Random Fact #5

I’ve blocked quite a few people on my MSN list. Since I think they ought to know why [and who], here’s a list below :

Alex Chua : My ex. Bloody irritating, and always trying to dispense advice that I think is rather old-fashioned. So what if I work myself to the bone and freelance. If I die halfway while working IT IS MY PROBLEM not yours. One day he decides that it’s funny that I’ve started paying for my car repairs and tax [on my own], and said [rather snidingly I felt]: Haha! Now you know how it feels like to spend your own money.

Well excuse me you uptight morally-right bastard, I’ve been working since I was 16 and spending my own money on clothes and shopping since then.

Conclusion : You’ve been blocked as you’re an irritating uptight bastard.

Joel Tai : Another ex, who deems himself superior and worthy above everyone else. Can’t string a nice sentence to save his own balls.

Conclusion : Egoistic, self-centred and a downright asswipe.

Random Fact #6

At some warped stage of my life I could speak a little German, Latin, Italian, Spanish, English, Malay and Hokkien.

Random Fact #7

I am listening to Sarah Brightman’s Symphony album as I type this out.

Random Fact #8

I hereby tag thee

Christine – Cause I know you’re free

Kel – Cause you need to blog

Tim – Cause your blog is depressing

Junaidi – Cause you’re depressed

Jojo – Cause you need a distraction

Ying Swan – Cause you’re this year’s UMSA President

Hmph.

M*