Mind Chatter During TT

It is inevitable. After doing 2 classes a day, everyday for 9 weeks [sometimes the classes are longer than 1.5 hours. Once we were treated to a 2-hour class by 2-hour Ted. Yes, that is his official nickname], you sometimes just want to TURN OFF. It can’t be helped. Sometimes, you are tired. Your mind fights you [isn’t it always the case?]. You are mentally, physically, emotionally a wreck. On the outside, so what if my skin’s glowing but inside I feel like a bulldozer just rolled on my heart, my mind is making whimpering noises and my self is making accusations about my character and judgement.

The main thing that happens during TT is the breaking of your ego, or self. The self that tells you that you don’t need to go to class today, that you are ugly / fat / a total loser, the same self that is also the cause of many a self-destructive behaviour.

It was during Thursday of Week 2 [you know, the extremely hot class when it got up to 65Celcius – fuck me sideways!] that I had my first.. breakthrough.

So here goes my mental chatter :

*Pranayama Breathing*

Oh my GOD. It’s hot. My towel’s ALREADY soaked. What the hell?

*Half Moon Pose*

Ehhh, it’s not tooo bad. Just like a very balmy day back home. Just breathe.

*Head to Knee*

Yup, just like being stuck in the car on a hot day. Move along.

*Standing Bow Pose*

You have to be shitting me. This is insanely hot. Like, MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON A PLANE HOT.

*Standing Separate Leg Stretching Pose*

OW OW OW MY FEET. MY FEET. MY FEET. [I found out later that they have heating panels UNDER the floor… yikes!]

*Triangle Pose*

Get. Up. Get the FUCK up. GET UP. DO IT. COME ON. DO IT.

*Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee Pose*

Stand up. Get up. Do it. You’re such a fucking failure. GET UP. Motherfucker, don’t just STAND there and cry. GET. UP. SHUT UP.

*Tree Pose*

You stupid crying sissy. You are much stronger than this. GET. UP. Fucker, GET UP. You didn’t PAY to come here and CRY. GET UP GET UP GET UP. GET THE FUCK UP.

*Toe Stand*

You’re a fucking failure. Just LOOK AT YOU. Look at you. Fucking mess, fucking failure. You got a degree in Spanish and Italian that you didn’t even use in your job? Oh, what was your job? THAT’S RIGHT – a copywriter. Did you even win any awards huh? Oh, runner-up / special mention, that is mighty fucking fine. Not a gold, right?Β  Get up. I said, GET THE FUCK UP. Stop shaking your head like that. GET UP. I don’t fucking CARE if you can’t feel your hands, GET. UP. What do you mean your foot is cramped? Fuck you! YOU ARE WEAK AND AN IMBECILE, YOU CAN’T EVEN FINISH ONE CLASS IN WEEK FUCKING TWO. YOU FUCKING WEAKLING. IS IT ANY WONDER THAT YOU ARE THE BLACK SHEEP OF THE FAMILY? THAT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE WEAK WEAK WEAK WEAK WEAK WEAK WEAK. YOUR FATHER THINKS YOU’RE A FUCKING FAILURE IN LIFE AND HE IS RIGHT. YOU CAN’T EVEN LOSE WEIGHT, YOU CAN’T EVEN KEEP A STEADY JOB, YOU EVEN FAILED WHEN YOU TRIED TO OFF YOURSELF 5 YEARS AGO. YOU ARE A FUCKING FAILURE. YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A…

Stop.

Shut up.

WHAT?

I said. Shut. Up.

Total silence engulfed me. Just like that, my self – the one that told me that throughout my whole life I would never amount to anything great – died that day. The same self that let my Self be picked on, covered up and buried.

Oh it didn’t end there. By Cobra pose, the chatter was still there – though not as loud. That same self was urging me to STAY IN THE ROOM, or risk looking like a total fuck-up [Come on, you’re MALAYSIAN. Are you going to embarrass the whole country by giving up NOW?].

After Cobra, when my hands were numb, my face was locked in a perpetual frozen stare with my jaws clamped shut [Botox!], that’s when my body said “Enough. Get me out of here, before I start foaming and send us back home in a cardboard box labelled “Remains” ! ”

So I limped outside, helped by Fiona, to where the cold acrid desert air greeted me and cups of Gatorade, Powerade and Pedialyte with EXTRA SALT poured forth from the nurse.

All around me – there it was. People crying, shivering, hands clamped in lobster claws. Amidst chaos, that was where WE found IT – the silence, the death of our self and the rebirth of our Self – underneath layers of tears, fears and inner ghouls.

M*

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Posted on February 3, 2010, in Bikram Yoga, Perso-mei-lly. Bookmark the permalink. 17 Comments.

  1. hey you know what, that dei when you said “weight forward, push your hands to the floor” (for salabhasana) it worked! I managed to put my legs much higher than before.

    And I felt more semangat also when you were practicing next (okay slightly infront) of me!

    • Great news! It’s all about the upper body strength and using your hands-palms to gain leverage πŸ™‚

      oooh, all about energy, glad I could share some with you – now give me some lovin’ back! πŸ˜€

  2. *day

  3. …. jeepers Mei…

    When I used to practice Qi Gong, I’d often be fantasizing about the next game I was gonna play when I get home later rather than all the supposed spiritual, universe, energy stuff.. lol..

    Yours sounds like plain horrific torture…

    • But you weren’t meditating, were you? As I said in my tweet, as long as you can find peace under chaos, you are meditating πŸ™‚

      True… my mind was a torturing object, a hindrance to my Self. That mental chatter I went through was just a testament to how tortured I was mentally even BEFORE going to TT. At least my mental chatter has 80% died down… the 20% talks shit about the size of my ass though πŸ˜›

      [omg, how many sodomy puns in that sentence? LOL]

  4. And we will continue to experience lots more “mini deaths” in that room as that “self” the one that loves to taunt, ridicule and self sabotage is never truly gone, just buried.
    More work to do!
    πŸ™‚

  5. Ohhh, Mei. What a post. What a breakthrough. What a strong, incredible self you are.

    Am I a total masochist if I say that this post alone makes me want to go to teacher training…???

    • Thank you – remember, Mind is always the enemy!

      Mmmm, I went to training kinda expecting something to break… I just did NOT expect something so major! πŸ™‚

      Spring 2010 training is just round the corner….

  6. That was the most real, brilliant, in the moment prose I’ve read in the last 12 months. Fuck me. That was great. Thank you for sharing and being beyond real.

  7. HUGS ACROSS TEH INTERNETS!

    I love this. You are awesome, plain and simple!

    Also… (nerd alert…) this scene totally reminded me of the Gollum/Smeagol schizo scenes in the second Lord of the Rings movie… especially that one where Smeagol tells his evil side, “LEAVE NOW… and NEVER… come BACK!” and then suddenly he finds himself alone. I probably sound like a crazy person if you haven’t seen that movie, so I hope you’ve seen it! It’s fricking awesome. Like you. πŸ™‚

  8. I f*cking love this post!! Sorry for the late-ish comment hehe….

    P/S: I hardly swear πŸ˜‰

  9. A cracker of a post Mei. I’m about to head to TT in April πŸ™‚ I’ll try and remember your lil post when I reach that edge. Thanks for sharing!

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