4 Wise Cracks
After a month of delay, oof-ing, aaf-ing and planning, I finally plucked the courage to get my 4 wisdom teeth removed.
Actually, it was my dental surgeon who went “Ah! We are going to remove 4 in 1 go…”
-4? Oh. Okay. Sure!
*That means I get to take extended leave in 1 shot instead of breaking it up. Plus I only have to undergo trauma and sedation ONCE, and we all know how long anesthesia stays in your body … [2 weeks for me].
To prepare, I went shopping for ice cream, frozen yogurt and baby food. Yes, baby food. The soft cereals, the ground-up mashed-up food and who can forget, apple sauce? YAY apple sauce!
And then The Day came. Took a cab in to the clinic and arrived a little early. Good good, said the receptionist, who clearly approved of me coming in early. Sat down, got my vitals taken [height, weight] for sedation purposes and I TOLD her, “Boleh kasi cukup cukup ubat lali tak? Nak banyak sangat sampai kuda pun takleh bangun dan saya takleh rasa kaki I nih” [Can you please give me enough sedation / anesthetic, so much so that it’ll knock out a horse and I won’t be able to feel my legs]. She giggled. Oh she giggled.
I wasn’t joking.
You see, nurses, doctors and I don’t have a very good track record. When I was young, a doctor tried to check my rashes. I kicked. You will be surprised how a skinny 5 year old me could kick. The skinniest kid on the block COULD KICK. A nurse came it to help calm me down. OH did I thrash, did I thrash and KICK and SCREAM. ANOTHER nurse came in to help the first nurse, and what does a terrified kicking, screaming and thrashing 5 year old do?
Calm the fuck down THRASH AND SCREAM AND KICK HARDER.
I don’t know if they had to sedate me after all my thrashing, but I do know that they didn’t give me a lollipop after. Asswipes.
Fast forward 2 decades and more later, there I sat on the chair, having my blood pressure taken. After knocking back what seemed like Lindsay Lohan’s breakfast of pills, I sat and waited. And waited. And waited. [OK, pills have a very fast effect on me, so I probably waited a good 8 minutes before I started feeling woozy].
And then I got dizzy, and headache-y, and next thing I know I was walking in to The Room, assisted by nurses.
– Goooo mooohning, I mumbled to the dentist, as I sat down in The Chair.
“OK! Let’s all get started!” said the doctor as he preppred me up and his nurses tied my wrists down.
– Wait. Why are you restraining my hands? , I asked groggily. No one answered. Or maybe they did. Whatever, you communists.
First, my whole mouth was numbed. Boy did my tongue feel like lead.
He started off by extracting my bottom right tooth. A little tricky and not straight forward, as this tooth was partially grown out and peeking our from the gums. A few knocking sounds, a little crack, wa-la! wee!
On to the top right. Not as bad, as this wisdom tooth was already fully grown out. Crack, crack, wa-la! Wee!
On to the top left! Same as before. Crack, crack, wa-la! Wee!
*Actually, it could even be crack-crack-pull-pull-crack-crack, but I was too knocked out to even know what my real name is.
NOW came the bottom left. This tooth. Now, this tooth was SPECIAL. It was impacted, meaning, it was sleeping sideways under the gum.
This fucker cost me RM1000.
This fucker was the one that hurt the most. The moment I felt pain, I started tapping the chair. I mean, hey, it’s what I learned in martial arts. You hurt your opponent, you tap. I tapped. And tapped. And then I KICKED. If tapping was not going to work, I am going to KICK and so help me GOD ALLAH BUDDHA JESUS JOSEPH MARY MOSES. I thrashed and I kicked nary a care who was around me. Unfortunately I didn’t realise there were nurses / assistants around me. I’m a little sorry if anyone got kicked, but I did tell you I wanted enough sedation to knock out a horse. Not a pony. A HORSE. I guess my kicking and thrashing this time round got some attention as I was promptly given another shot of anesthetic [weeeee!] and the surgeon telling me to “Calm down, shh shh shh”.
1.5 hours later and I was done. Done done done. Groggily sat in the holding room, paid my bill, got my medication, and waited for my knight in shining armour to pick me up. I was so out of it I couldn’t even walk straight. With bloody gauze in my mouth, I’m sure I was such a beautiful sight to look at.
And 2 days later, I’m sitting at home with a swollen face, stitches in my mouth [I can feel it] surviving on a diet of ice cream and soup and frozen yogurt. If you must know, I have so far lost 1KG from not doing anything.
And now, excuse me while I overdose on antibiotics and try to slurp some congee down.