An intensive and extensive study in a Malaysian Menace by Professor Junaidi b. Aminuddin
Handsome Scientist / Awesome Detailer / Badass Biker Extraordinaire
Since my poor Kangoo ain’t back from the hospital yet, I bitched to Junaidi the Hottie [or Jun for short] about my woes of being car-less and cursing the menace that is the Rempit [illegal bikers who rev and speed on the motorway].
Here begins the Convo. Please note that since I’ve set my gmail in Spanish [laugh all you want, Heathens], Yo = Me / I = Mei.
For those of you who are not in the know [or have been politely referred here by me, since I’m so goddamn lazy and tired of repeating the same story], I was involved in an automobile accident on Sunday morning at 1.45.
Don’t worry, me or my passenger Michael wasn’t at all hurt [I think… actually come to think of it, I didn’t even ask Michael whether he was OK, cause I was in a shock! HAHA what a terrible friend / student]
It happened on the NKVE expressway. I was sending Michael home after some drinks with Erik [at this point of time, I must say I’ve only had TWO pints of Guiness]. We were coming from Jalan Duta heading towards Subang. Since it was a nice clear Saturday night / Sunday morning, it was the perfect weather for illegal motorbike racers [from the local species called Mat Rempits, scientific name Idiotus Maximium Castrati]
I was happily driving on my middle lane when suddenly the Mat Rempit RAMMED into my right door. There was a huge jolt. So we stopped the car by the side of the road to inspect the damage. At first I thought that I knocked into a nearby car, but it turns out that an individual of the esteemed Mat Rempit species WAS RACING and fucker knocked into me.
Okay. Let me put it in a very succinctly. And from here onwards, I’m going to erupt in foul language as it took utmost control not doing so for the last 5 paragraphs.
– Mei driving around 80 km/h on NKVE.
– Fucker Rempit knocks into Mei.
– Mei stops car.
– Rempit and Plus Ronda [Highway police] suggest I reverse all the way there [1km to scene of accident]. NO FUCKING WAY! Isn’t that the STUPIDEST most LUDICROUS suggestion EVER?!
– Michael and Mei meet with the Rempit.
– Rempit demands payment. Say I was wrong.
– Rempit still wants payment for hospital fees. That filthy little maggot can still walk and talk, what payment?! I’ll shove coins up your ass, motherfucker, how’s that for payment? Then you can fish it out of your ass and when you move around, it’ll make this little jingle sound and you’ll remember me for that.
At this point of time, I’d have to thank my hero of the night, Michael. He was sleeping in the backseat of the car before the accident happened [sorry!!]. The Hong Kong / Scottish gangster in Michael made an appearance as he stands up to that puny asswipe and says “NO PAYMENT, WE’RE NOT GONNA PAY”. I remember having to pull Michael back [hey, moving a grown man with arms the size of your thighs is kinda difficult…].
Imagine if he wasn’t with me, with 7 – 10 mangy Rempits and 1 tiny girl [I consider myself tiny, thanks], things could’ve gotten preeettyy ugly. So thanks Michael, I owe you one!
And thanks to Erik for offering the bestest of advice.
And you know what the best thing about this accident is? That motherfucking Rempit HAS NO LICENCE. So I can’t motherfucking make a claim against him. WHAT AN ASSHOLE. I hope you die of syphillis in your throat with your genital organs all swelled up and inflammed. And should the next time you get onto a motorbike you’d get boils on your rectum so you’ll find it difficult sitting down and taking a shit.
And I hope to one day install wire median barriers all across highways to protect other road users from the menace that is the Rempit. No idea what they are? Well take a look at this news release. While I am sorry for the family’s tragic loss, a huge part of me wants this installed on roads so it’ll help eliminate the Rempit population and control illegal racing. And what the fuck were they doing racing on a motorway? They can go fuck off back to their little village and rape their cousins and sisters and have even more inbred hicks such as themselves.
Like I told someone [I forgot who, or maybe I just told too many people], I seem to be some sort of Rempit accident magnet. First this accident, and now this. Why can’t some nice, hot, rich, young and heterosexual male just rear-end [in more ways than one 😉 ] my car. This means I’d get his number, marry him and drive around in a Passat or be driven around in a Mercedes Guardian.
Then those mangy Rempit fucks can come crashing into my car all they like because I’ll make sure that I’ve got a gun on me.
Here are some pictures of poor Kangoo. When I started her up this morning she was shuddering like an epileptic. 😦
Not forgetting my knight at night, Michael :
Michael, Erik, Mei, Mel … and the rest I forgot
p/s : I estimate repairs to be around RM4000. That’s NZ$2000. There goes my savings for Boracay. FUCK.