Another Writing Project

You lot know I love to write.

Or rather, I prefer to think that I think I know how to write, and then annoy you with my senseless directionless drible.

Like what I just did.

Without further ado, I present to you, Revision 365, a site for which I am also a guest contributor [thanks Mike! 😀 ]

And for my first post, hat tip goes to the lovely Dancing J who featured the hilarious video on her facebook. I know now why I feel so damn STRONG after tea. TEAAAAAAA! EMPIRES WILL FALL BUT STEAM WILL RIIIIIIIISE.

M*

M*

4 Wise Cracks

After a month of delay, oof-ing, aaf-ing and planning, I finally plucked the courage to get my 4 wisdom teeth removed.

Actually, it was my dental surgeon who went “Ah! We are going to remove 4 in 1 go…”

-4? Oh. Okay. Sure!

*That means I get to take extended leave in 1 shot instead of breaking it up. Plus I only have to undergo trauma and sedation ONCE, and we all know how long anesthesia stays in your body … [2 weeks for me].

To prepare, I went shopping for ice cream, frozen yogurt and baby food. Yes, baby food. The soft cereals, the ground-up mashed-up food and who can forget, apple sauce? YAY apple sauce!

And then The Day came. Took a cab in to the clinic and arrived a little early. Good good, said the receptionist, who clearly approved of me coming in early. Sat down, got my vitals taken [height, weight] for sedation purposes and I TOLD her, “Boleh kasi cukup cukup ubat lali tak? Nak banyak sangat sampai kuda pun takleh bangun dan saya takleh rasa kaki I nih” [Can you please give me enough sedation / anesthetic, so much so that it’ll knock out a horse and  I won’t be able to feel my legs]. She giggled. Oh she giggled.

I wasn’t joking.

You see, nurses, doctors and I don’t have a very good track record. When I was young, a doctor tried to check my rashes. I kicked. You will be surprised how a skinny 5 year old me could kick. The skinniest kid on the block COULD KICK. A nurse came it to help calm me down. OH did I thrash, did I thrash and KICK and SCREAM. ANOTHER nurse came in to help the first nurse, and what does a terrified kicking, screaming and thrashing 5 year old do? Calm the fuck down THRASH AND SCREAM AND KICK HARDER.

I don’t know if they had to sedate me after all my thrashing, but I do know that they didn’t give me a lollipop after. Asswipes.

Fast forward 2 decades and more later, there I sat on the chair, having my blood pressure taken. After knocking back what seemed like Lindsay Lohan’s breakfast of pills, I sat and waited. And waited. And waited. [OK, pills have a very fast effect on me, so I probably waited a good 8 minutes before I started feeling woozy].

And then I got dizzy, and headache-y, and next thing I know I was walking in to The Room, assisted by nurses.

– Goooo mooohning, I mumbled to the dentist, as I sat down in The Chair.

“OK! Let’s all get started!” said the doctor as he preppred me up and his nurses tied my wrists down.

– Wait. Why are you restraining my hands? , I asked groggily. No one answered. Or maybe they did. Whatever, you communists.

First, my whole mouth was numbed. Boy did my tongue feel like lead.

He started off by extracting my bottom right tooth. A little tricky and not straight forward, as this tooth was partially grown out and peeking our from the gums. A few knocking sounds, a little crack, wa-la! wee!

On to the top right. Not as bad, as this wisdom tooth was already fully grown out. Crack, crack, wa-la! Wee!

On to the top left! Same as before. Crack, crack, wa-la! Wee!

*Actually, it could even be crack-crack-pull-pull-crack-crack, but I was too knocked out to even know what my real name is.

NOW came the bottom left. This tooth. Now, this tooth was SPECIAL. It was impacted, meaning, it was sleeping sideways under the gum.

This fucker cost me RM1000.

This fucker was the one that hurt the most. The moment I felt pain, I started tapping the chair. I mean, hey, it’s what I learned in martial arts. You hurt your opponent, you tap. I tapped. And tapped. And then I KICKED. If tapping was not going to work, I am going to KICK and so help me GOD ALLAH BUDDHA JESUS JOSEPH MARY MOSES. I thrashed and I kicked nary a care who was around me. Unfortunately I didn’t realise there were nurses / assistants around me. I’m a little sorry if anyone got kicked, but I did tell you I wanted enough sedation to knock out a horse. Not a pony. A HORSE. I guess my kicking and thrashing this time round got some attention as I was promptly given another shot of anesthetic [weeeee!] and the surgeon telling me to “Calm down, shh shh shh”.

1.5 hours later and I was done. Done done done. Groggily sat in the holding room, paid my bill, got my medication, and waited for my knight in shining armour to pick me up. I was so out of it I couldn’t even walk straight. With bloody gauze in my mouth, I’m sure I was such a beautiful sight to look at.

And 2 days later, I’m sitting at home with a swollen face, stitches in my mouth [I can feel it] surviving on a diet of ice cream and soup and frozen yogurt. If you must know, I have so far lost 1KG from not doing anything.

Click to view the 4 wise cracks.

And now, excuse me while I overdose on antibiotics and try to slurp some congee down.

M*

Ballerina

At the ripe old age of 2x, I have taken up … ballet.

Part of me was influenced by Natalie Portman’s fluidity and grace in Black Swan. The majority of me wanted to learn how to use my damn muscles for once because I have figured how to use my joints during class [and I can already here Emmy screaming “USE YOUR MUSKELLSSSS”]

Leotard? Check!

Leggings? CHECK!

Ballet split sole shoes? CHEEEECKK!

And I am off!

It has only been 2 classes but HOT DAMN it is DIFFICULT. I have now learnt that I have :

– Hyper-extended knees

– Super uber flexible joints [Teacher adjusted me a little and remarked, “I move you here a little and everything else moves. OK… GIRL you need to work!”]

– SUPER tight hips. Thanks, running, thanks a lot.

In fact, ballet has given me more … awareness on my body movement and alignment. I am more aware of my hip in Triangle [OH MOTHER OF GOD IT HURTS SO BAD NOW] and hello uneven hips in Standing Bow.

Now I’m even more tempted to try on  pointe 😉

M*

I HATE Bikram Yoga

I really do.

I freaking hate it. Hate it to my guts, hate it from the tip of my hairs to the ends of my toe nails. Hate it from my sciatic nerve back up all the way to my optical nerve. AH THE NERVE.

 

 

I sweat too much, my sweat stings my eyes, and for some reason I get crusty eyes the next morning after class.

 

The teachers talk too much [HA!], they shout and scream at you to lock the freaking knee “LOCK THE KNEE, LOCK THE KNEE, LOCK THE KNEE!” and they never seem to be able to SHUT the HELL UP and yet seem so happy clappy out of class. BAH.

 

The men sweat too much, they fling their horrid sweat on me, and some males don’t know the meaning of Laundry Day.

 

My back hurts during backbends, my back hurts during forward bends, my back is FUCKING killing me.

 

It is DIFFICULT, it is SO DAMN HOT and it PISSES me off.

 

 

But yet like a cracked up whore I still keep going back and I became a teacher.

 

Because it is difficult, because it pisses me off, because it is hot, because the teachers push me, because of all the reasons why I hate it, is why I believe in it.

 

And yet, who can deny the post-class euphoria is the BEST part of class?

 

 

 

Happy 3 year anniversary to me! 😀

 

 

M*

The Epic Miri Gathering

aka Tania & King’s 2nd coming. Er. Wedding.

Pictures stolen from Daniel’s facebook because I stupidly FORGOT to charge my camera before bringing it along.

What do you get when you lump together a group that hasn’t met up in FOUR years? Add in some alcohol, a wedding, some nighttime debauchery [YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW WHERE YOUR YOGA TEACHER WENT LAST NIGHT], a hospital trip [YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOUR YOGA TEACHER GOT UP TO LAST NIGHT], amazing food and you get…

The Miri Gang.

I swear I gained 2 pounds in 3 days, thanks to all the feeding from our lovely hosts 😉

“OMG SKINNY. EAT”.

Erm no thanks, I’m really full.

And I find my plate to be magically filled with food. Eeek.

Enough with the talky-talky, here are some pictures!

 

According to Chinese custom, the groom  and his best men MUST pass a few … ‘tests’ / ‘trials’ / ‘tribulations’ set upon him by the bridesmaids. Because I am actually a sadistic person [and I have lots of ideas to plan], I have devised a few… erm, non-tortorous ways for the boys 😉

 

 

Have you ever brushed your teeth with a gooey mix of honey AND cocoa powder? Yeah. The boys seemed to enjoy this one cause it looked easy and it tasted good. But of course, I start off slow and easy and move on to …

 

JELLY!

 

I made a special SPICY jelly with topped with bugs and wasabi powder. What made this jelly special was that I made it with BIRD’S EYE CHILLI [cili padi] essence water. Basically chopped up a few of those spicy suckers, poured boiling hot water to get the essence out and wala. I even topped the jelly with stars to make it look prettier  😀 And yes, those bugs are real. They taste… crispy.

 

Bitter bitter tea

A special brew of BITTER Chinese herbs and bitter gourd essence topped with freshly chopped bitter gourd. As to how BITTER it was, I took a tiny sip and the taste stayed with me on my tongue for a good 15-20 minutes. King even asked “OK, what DID you put in there? My mouth was BITTER for 30 minutes even AFTER a bottle of water and some cookies!”. Heh heh heh.

 

Carrot a day keeps the eye doctor away.

 

Tania bored a hole into the carrots, and we strung the carrots around the boys’ waist, making some other boys eat this wasabi-laced delicacy… withouth their hands. If you’re wondering, yes, it does look like a bunch of guys fellating each other in public.

 

And when it was all over, King got Tania 😉

 

Min [in sunnies] is carrying a Golden Rooster with 7 eggs that symbolises good health and fertility.

 

Gold Gold Gold! 😀

 

Tania in her evening Cheongsam 🙂

 

 

At the Chinese Tea ceremony ... iPhone obsession!

 

Dangit Daniel, you are SO DAMN SNEAKY WITH A CAMERA.

 

Some of the Best Men. Oh they were REALLY good sports about the games! 🙂

 

I teared when she walked down the aisle :')

 

The Stage 🙂

 

The Emcee was REALLY corny. “The sweetness of the cake will fill their heart with joy and fill their lives with sweetntess”. Or something equally as corny as that. I looked at Jo and said “I DID NOT WRITE THAT”. Haha!

 

Tania's Dad and the veil-covering

OOPS forgot to add this in. The lighting is really creepy, but the bride looks so radiant in this photo …

 

Pooped bride and equally pooped bridesmaids.

 

DANIEL YOU ARE TOO SNEAKY WITH THE CAMERA!

 

And we proceeded to Karaoke and drinking [I didn’t drink that much] and some more nighttime debauchery. Of which photos will not be posted up … because for some strange reason there is a photo of King topless and being molested by the guys. I was too busy playing dice / happily drinking away.

 

 

 

Ah, can’t wait for December 2011 🙂

 

 

M*

 

 

 

Criminal Intent

My new song of the mo’. After listening to this, I just want to go out and lose my shizz on the floor. In a good way.

But what am I talking about? I doubt I can even last 5 hours at ZoukOut! 😉

 

 

 

 

Somebody alert the authorities, I got criminal intent
Conspiracy to engage in lewd and indecent acts and events
I’mma wind it, grind it, oh my, I’mma say it again
Somebody alert the authorities, she’s got criminal intent

Somebody alert the authorities, I got criminal intent
Conspiracy to engage in lewd and indecent acts and events
I’mma wind it, grind it, oh my, I’mma say it again
Somebody alert the authorities, she’s got criminal intent

Somebody alert the authorities, I got criminal intent
Conspiracy to engage in lewd and indecent acts and events
I’mma wind it, grind it, oh my, I’mma say it again
Somebody alert the authorities, I got criminal intent

– Will the defendant please rise? State your full name for the record.
– Robyn
– Do you wish to say anything before the sentence is imposed?
– I do your Honor!

You know, from time to time
I need to get down
Unwind and just bump and grind
Get my shot on, have some fun
A little dirty never hurt anyone
I admit, I can get somewhat X-rated on the floor
But your Honor, how’s that something you get incarcerated for?

I-I-I done nothing that’s wrong
Way better by degrees something that’s frowned upon
I object most strongly Judge, they played my song

Somebody alert the authorities, I got criminal intent
Conspiracy to engage in lewd and indecent acts and events
I’mma wind it, grind it, oh my, I’mma say it again
Somebody alert the authorities, she’s got criminal intent

Somebody alert the authorities, I got criminal intent
Conspiracy to engage in lewd and indecent acts and events
I’mma wind it, grind it, oh my, I’mma say it again
Somebody alert the authorities, I got criminal intent
Somebody alert the authorities, she’s got criminal intent

Y-yo-yo Judge, may the record reflect the fact
I don’t have any priors
Besides, would you pardon me
For being inappropriately attired?
But yo, listen, them cuffs down at county
Totally ripped up my pantyhose
And some snitch punk at legal aid
Stole my voucher for court clothes

I done nothing that’s wrong
Way better by degrees something that’s frowned upon
I object most strongly Judge, they played my song

Somebody alert the authorities, I got criminal intent
Conspiracy to engage in lewd and indecent acts and events
I’mma wind it, grind it, oh my, I’mma say it again
Somebody alert the authorities, she’s got criminal intent

Somebody alert the authorities, I got criminal intent
Conspiracy to engage in lewd and indecent acts and events
I’mma wind it, grind it, oh my, I’mma say it again
Somebody alert the authorities, I got criminal intent
Somebody alert the authorities, she’s got criminal intent

Bikram Yoga Superheroes

A hilarious little clip about Bikram Yoga Teacher Training.

 

For some reason, WordPress doesn’t want me to embed it, so you’re gonna have to click HERE.

 

Ah, they’ve included everything. Only thing they missed out was “Trust the Process!”.

M*

The Ego, Self & Compassion

Threw my back out once again. This year has been a rather testing year for me, what with that immune problem [shingles], an aggravated hip tendon/muscle/thingymajig and now, my lower right back hurts. I don’t know what the hell I did, but it is sure not the result of having one too many Margaritas and ending up on the wrong side of someone else’s bed.

So I sought the advice of the always fabulous Mrs.23 aka Juicy, of Mission Yoga [in San Francisco]. She then gave me the advice I needed to hear at the right time “When u r killing u’rself/ego, don’t forget the compassion for u’rself. Be loving. :-)”

I then went back to all the times I have practiced with students. As a teacher, my practice has now changed NOT JUST because of Teacher Training, but hugely because of, how should I say … expectations. Gone are the days where I would sit out a pose of I felt dizzy or if I started cramping out too early. I do not allow myself to sit out of the postures simply because I know the students are looking at me and my practice. As a teacher, and a young [in age and in tenure of teaching] lady in Asia, I know of the concept of having ‘face’. That means, maintaing a proper image and doing the wrong thing just to please everyone and maintain a facade.

2009 International Yoga Champion (Women’s Division) Courtney Mace once said, “[Competition] happens every time you step into the hot room, and it’s a competition between the ego and the soul. And the soul always wins.”. Unfortunately for me, my ego has always won. Not the ego that says “Yes, I am BETTER than you”, but the ego that is the fear of not doing well. Essentially, 2 things always hold us back in life, and that is fear and ego, and ego is really FEAR of not doing well. Coupled with my Type A personality and ferocious tenacious attitude for perfection, I sometimes don’t know how to back down when I really need to.

I admit, some days before I step in the room and I know that I’m not feeling well, I start to get worried whether people will judge me when I opt to sit out of a posture. “But you are a TEACHER, how can you NOT do it?”

I then realised that like what Juicy said, I should kill my ego but above all, have compassion for MY self. Having compassion doesn’t mean being LAZY – it simply means knowing how to take it down a notch when I am not feeling it. I can count the number of times I nearly blacked out [3] but I still carried on through class even though I was already swaying and looking 5 shades paler than Edward Cullen.

Ego, Compassion and Patience. My 3 things I have to endure this year 🙂

M*

And yada yada, it’s not the destination, but the journey 😉

DoMEIsticated

I am by no means, a domestic goddess. A Bikram Goddess maybe, an Anal Cleaning Goddess too but domesticated? Cook, clean, wash, laundry? Most certainly not me!

Till I decided one day to try making homemade potato croquettes.

Croquettes or Cockquettes or Massive Cat Turds?

Sure, they ended up looking like giant sand-covered cat turds [or as my mum said, “Like a flaccid penis”] but boy do they taste. So. Damn. Good.

Hey, I never professed to being one of those people who expertly make Fine Food 😉

It’s Dead Simple to make these croquettes, so here’s the recipe for a little Autumn / Winter snack or whenever you feel like a little comfort food :

Ingredients :

4-5 large potatoes, boiled and mashed

A tin of sardines [I used mackerel and leftover salmon in this case]

2 large handfulls of mozzarella cheese [you may omit this if you are lactose intolerant]

2 large eggs, beaten

Breadcrumbs

Oil for frying [though you may bake it if you want to be all healthy]

Salt & pepper to taste

Step 1 : Mash the potatoes [I have no potato masher at home, so I used a fork and diligently mashed those 5 large suckers while watching CSI:New York]

Step 2 : Mix sardines. At this point, you can start using your hands to get an even mix.

Step 3 : Add in cheese, salt, pepper and a dash of olive oil.

Step 4 : Shape into cat turd phallic croquette shape. However, if you are popping it in the oven, shape into a patty shape.

Step 5 : Roll in egg then lightly coat in breadcrumbs.

Step 6 : Heat some oil up.

Step 7 : When oil is hot, put in croquettes to fry. Alternatively, if you are being healthy, pop it into the oven.

Mixing it up

Right before I put them through the worst humiliation of all

And there you have it!

M*

“9 Crimes”

Got this from the latest episode of True Blood. Haunting, beautiful score and very… European lyrics [I find out later that the singer is indeed Irish].

Enjoy!

9 Crimes

Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It’s the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you
It’s the wrong time
For somebody new
It’s a small crime
And I’ve got no excuse

Is that alright, yeah
Give my gun away when it’s loaded
That alright, yeah
If you don’t shoot it how am I supposed to hold it
That alright, yeah
Give my gun away when it’s loaded
That alright, yeah
With you?

Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It’s the wrong kind of place
To be cheating on you
It’s the wrong time
She’s pulling me through
It’s a small crime
And I’ve got no excuse

Is that alright, yeah
I give my gun away when it’s loaded
Is that alright, yeah
If you don’t shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright, yeah
I give my gun away when it’s loaded
Is that alright
Is that alright with you?

Is that alright, yeah
I give my gun away when it’s loaded
Is that alright, yeah
If you don’t shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright, yeah
If I give my gun away when it’s loaded
Is that alright?
Is that alright with you?

Is that alright, yeah
Is that alright, yeah
Is that alright, yeah
Is that alright?
Is that alright?
Is that alright with you?

No…

M*