Bikram Yoga Workshop

11th and 12th April marked my VERY FIRST Bikram Yoga Workshop / Posture Clinic. Actually, I’ll just call it PC for short.

I’ve always wondered why they call it a  Posture Clinic instead of a Posture Workshop. Clinic conjures up images of people in white with thermometers in the mouth waiting for a doctor to see to them. So I let my fingers do the typing and dictionary.com ‘d Clinic and got :

clin⋅ic

[klin-ik] Show IPA

–noun

1.	a place, as in connection with a medical school or a hospital, for the treatment of nonresident patients, sometimes at low cost or without charge.

2.	a group of physicians, dentists, or the like, working in cooperation and sharing the same facilities.

3.	a class or group convening for instruction or remedial work or for the diagnosis and treatment of specific problems: a reading clinic; a speech clinic; a summer baseball clinic for promising young players.

4.	the instruction of medical students by examining or treating patients in their presence or by their examining or treating patients under supervision.

5.	a class of students assembled for such instruction.

6.	Sports Slang. a performance so thoroughly superior by a team or player as to be a virtual model or demonstration of excellence; rout or mismatch.

–adjective

7.	of a clinic; clinical.

Origin:
1620–30; 1885–90 for def. 1; < L clīnicus < Gk klīnikós pertaining to a (sick) bed, equiv. to kln(ē) bed + -ikos -ic

Interesting. The many new things about the English language I learn every day.

So since the morning would be conducted by Rich [Bikram Yoga regional instructor for Malaysia, Singapore, Thailand & India], I made sure I slept early the night before [11pm], got my electrolytes ready, epilated my legs and armpits and packed my bag. What? I don’t want him thinking that females from Malaysia are as uncouth and barbaric as to not shave their armpits when they come for class [there was this one woman who did it, but eww, let’s not go there].

Rich’s class wasn’t hard, it was surprisingly easy! No murder on the mat, until the following class, but you can read the post here.

So what goes on in a PC exactly?

PC lasts 2 hours and a bit each day over 2 days. The first day, we covered the Standing Series before moving on to the Floor Series.

Unfortunately. there was a no camera policy enforced so I didn’t bring my trusty ol’ camera in. However, True Fitness managed to score some pictures, which I have [heavily] edited because the picture was really dark with enough noise to wake the living dead. Sorry, pun.

Here are a coupla things I learnt from the Standing Series. Floor Series will come as Part 2.

Arda-Chandrasana (Half Moon Posture)

– STRETCHHHH up to touch the ceiling before bending left / right. Super important as it creates space between the vertebrae so that you’ll stretch your spine. I’ve noticed not many people do it in class in order to achieve a more curved aka beautiful posture. This is wrong! If you don’t warm up, you could potentially injure yourself.

– Always keep a straight spine when bending left and right to avoid compressing your cervical spine too much.

– Backbends : MUST LOCK THE KNEE! Rich corrected me in this posture and told me to lock the knee. Another thing Rich mentioned was that people who have really deep backbends are usually confident in life as they’ve learnt how to trust themselves to be able to look back and drop aaaaaalll the way backwards.

Pada Hastasana

– It certainly IS possible to get one’s head on top of the feet, as demonstrated by Mei the instructor.

– Warm up : Always move the hips first. Don’t squat first. Forgot to ask Rich why, but as someone who did squats first, this was a habit I changed immediately.

Uktasana (Awkward)

– Always lock thy arms in all 3 parts. It’ll make you feel lighter plus helps rid of Batwings [flabby skin  on the underside of arms].

– SUCK THE STOMACH IN. And lift it off the stomach. Not only do you look more dignified [imagine belly flab having a little siesta on your thigh. There, don’t you look like a twit?] , it’ll help activate the core muscles and support your lower spine. If you have no belly flab, let it be known that you are one of the world’s luckiest people.

Garurasana (Eagle)

– The Malay word for eagle is Garuda. So you see, Malay has its roots in Sanskrit and Portuguese.

– Guys and girls of all ages : Sweat is your friend in this posture. It helps you slide your foot down lower to the ankle. Hence, shorts = the way to go. Shave your legs if you have to!

– Always cut your toenails. Rich mentioned he scraped his calf and bled onto his towel all thanks to a long toenail. I can vouch for that, as I’ve got weird scratches behind my calf muscles, and I know the cause of it now.

Dandayama Janushirasana (Standing Head to Knee)

– LOCK THY KNEE before even attempting to kick out.Ain’t no shame, I’ve been staying in Part 1 for 6 months now, all because I realised one day that I was cheating myself.

– You may flex your toes upwards towards your face in the first part to get used to flexing your Achilles tendon in Part 2.

– Suck the stomach in to support the lower spine. Trust me on this – it helps. Plus you look a little less like the Michellin man with your flab hanging out on your thigh.

Dandayama Dhanurasana (Standing Bow Pulling)

– LOCK THY KNEE. And I just had a revelation about the posture whilst having a shower, shall try it out tomorrow and report back.

– Body parallel to the floor to get the maximum medical benefit of a heart stretch.

Tuladandasana (Balancing Stick Pose)

– Contract all muscles before you get your body down and legs up. It’ll help with the balancing!

Dandayama Bibhaktapada Paschimottanasana (Standing Separate Stretching)

– Arms always touch the shins before you get your forehead down to the floor.

– Touch the forehead lightly, not plonk your head like an ox onto the towel.

* Once, for some reason, I scared myself in this posture and ended up falling out.

* My very first class, I fell on my ass in this posture. I know, how can someone fall on their ass when they’re standing on TWO legs?

Trikanasana (Triangle)

– During set-up, don’t bounce up and down ie from knee locked -> straight knee position. Instead, when your leg is at nearly the required 90º angle, bounce from the hip to get it lower, if it’s not low enough.

Dandayama Bibhaktapada Janushirasana (Standing Forehead to Knee)

– Get. The. FOREHEAD. Not. The. Nose. Or. The. Head. To.The. Knee.

Tadasana (Tree Pose)

-Push your hips forward and push your knees back. Feel the streeeeeeeeeetch?

– Don’t stick your arse out like a duck. In the beginning I had a nasty habit of sticky it out, caught myself in the mirror one day and realised how I look like a glorified piece of duck meat in bikini shorts.

Padangustasana (Toe Stand)

– Point your toes [of the leg that you’re not balancing on, obviously] to tighten those glutes and thighs.

– Doesn’t matter if you can’t go down all the way, stay where you are! You can mess with the Gods, but you can’t mess with the knees.

Savasana (Corpse Pose)

– Don’t wipe the sweat. Don’t blink. Don’t do anything. You’re a DEAD BODY. Well, except that you’re breathing.

– Resist the urge to walk out.

And while you’re enjoying your first Savasana, excuse me while I prepare for Part 2.

M*

“Yellow, are you STUPID?”

It’s HERE! It’s FINALLY HERE! Yay for Yellow Cab Pizza, it’s finally here in Malaysia!

 

Had my first taste of this thin-crust-yummy delight in Boracay. Oh I absolutely LOVED IT! Yeah and maybe because I was ravenous that time. And they’ve opened a branch behind my gym! Oh so delicious treats right after a 90-minute session of Bikram Yoga. On another note, I burn around 600-900 calories per class, so this should be interesting to see if I gain any weight 😛

 

Since I don’t have the contact number for the Taipan outlet, I decided to call the KL outlet [after much googling involved]. And I must say, idiots run amok in Yellow Cab Pizza. Here goes my conversation : 

 

M* : Hi, can what time is the last order for the Taipan branch?

Idiot #1 : Tai..pan… branch?

M* : Yes, Taipan branch. 

Idiot #1 : Tai..pan… branch?

M* : YES, Tai. Pan. Branch.

Idiot #1 : Tai..pan… branch?

If you seriously haven’t lost your temper by now, I will buy you some Buffalo Wings.

M* : …. YES. WHAT. TIME. IS. THE. LAST. OR. DER. IN. THE. TAI. PAN. BRANCH. 

Idiot #1 : Hang on lemme get my manager ahhh.

In the background I hear the words “Taipan. Branch. Time. Number”. Sigh.

Idiot #2 : Hello, yes?

M* : Hi, what’s the number for the Taipan branch? Because at this point of time, I am seriously sick and tired of talking to idiots in KL. 

Idiot #2 : Oh, what’s up?

M* : I would like to know what time is the last order for the Taipan.

Idiot #2 : Why don’t you call that outlet, maam?

Deep breathe

M* : IF I HAD THE NUMBER WHY WOULD I BE CALLING THIS OUTLET TO ASK FOR IT OR ASK WHAT TIME THE LAST ORDER IS?!

*pause

Idiot #2 : Okay, sorry about that maam. But usually last order is at 11.45pm.

M* : … THANK YOU. *slam

 

 

Oh God the IDIOTS I have to face in KL. A colleague suggested I speak to them in Malay, since they’re Malay [or at least, sounded Malay]. 

 

Well I won’t, so fuck off. You know why? This is the service industry. Y’all who want to be in this industry need to speak ENGLISH, especially so as this is a PIZZA outlet not a nasi kandar outfit. PLUS, speaking Malay when they sound Malay? That’s discrimination as well! 

 

That pizza I’m having tonight better be good. This will be a good meal before my detox on Saturday and Sunday.

 

 

M*

The Etymology of ‘Rempit’

An intensive and extensive study in a Malaysian Menace by Professor Junaidi b. Aminuddin

Handsome Scientist / Awesome Detailer / Badass Biker Extraordinaire

 

Since my poor Kangoo ain’t back from the hospital yet, I bitched to Junaidi the Hottie [or Jun for short] about my woes of being car-less and cursing the menace that is the Rempit [illegal bikers who rev and speed on the motorway].

 

Here begins the Convo. Please note that since I’ve set my gmail in Spanish [laugh all you want, Heathens], Yo = Me / I = Mei.

 

 

junaidi: kapchai is a term derived from the honda cubs

  and who drove them?

 boys

  cub chais

 Yo: err

 where does the term rempit come from

 junaidi: hah! that is a whole different discussion

Yo: what’s the female equivalent of a rempit

 junaidi: minah

 Yo: minah?

  mat minah

 junaidi: no!

 mat = boy

  mohammad

 Yo: -__-

  phail

 junaidi: minah = aminah

 Yo: so er,

 junaidi: old school names

 Yo: minah rempit

  ??

 junaidi: yes

 Yo: woooooooooooooo

 junaidi: rempit probably came from the word rem

  why?

coz its like saying rpm

  quickly

  but retarded malay kids say ramp

 Yo: revolutions per minute

 junaidi: yes

 Yo: DOES NOT sound like REM!!!!!

 junaidi: yes i know

  but bare with me

  i mean bear

 Yo: okay, bare i shall

 junaidi: HAHAHAHA

 Yo: HAHAHAHAHAHA

junaidi: moving on

 Yo: you first

 junaidi: so you can say

  ramp it

  or rem it

  hence rempit

 Yo: ….

  there’s a malay movie

  rem-it

  or something like that

  about the life of a sad sorry rempit

  *SOB SOB SOB!

 such brilliant performances!

 junaidi: yes

 Yo: it makes me want to go and give them a hug

 junaidi: acherly there are several

 Yo: evolusi kl drift

 junaidi: KL menjerit

 Yo: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 junaidi: and REMP-IT

 Yo: er, jun

  why do YOU know all these movie titles?

  …..

 junaidi: i do my research

  you know

 Yo: “idolaku remp-it”

 junaidi: purely educationly

  educationa

 damn it

 Yo: you cant even spell it right

  sayangku evolusi kl drift

  dengan si cantik dan seksi fasha sandha

 junaidi: ooooh

  yeah

 Yo: SHE’S UGLY

  omg lah

 junaidi: siaaaaal la

  she’s okay la

  not that bad

 Yo: she’s a stoner

 she aint that pretty

 junaidi: you think so?

  ~meh

 Yo: hanis zalikha

  now that’s a hot malay chick

 junaidi: but theres also aother variation to the origins of the word rempit

  you see

 Yo: such as?

  cause they keep on ramming into cars

  hence

  rem it, rempit

 junaidi: cheap old dirty malaysian bikes usually meant for speed demons

  are

  2 stroke bikes

  a characteristic of their engineering is their small narrow exhaust pipes

 when the throttle is turned

  you get this sound

 Yo: REMMM

 junaidi: reeeeengggg

  rennngeee

  remmmm

 Yo: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 junaidi: reenenggg

  BUT

  because you’re in the lower gear

 Yo: when u turn it off it goes eeeeet

  ??

 junaidi: you get what you called back pressure

 causing a pop (due to vacuum)

  this pop ranges from

  BOOM

  to

  POT

  to Pit

  big harleys go BOOM

  small bikes

 Yo: ………

 junaidi: you get the idea

 Yo: you have got to be kidding me

 junaidi: i.e

  no i’m not

  i shall demo one day

 Yo: REEEEENNG and piiiit

 junaidi: yes

 Yo: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  i shall blog about this

 junaidi: so at stationary mode

 Yo: The origins of Rempit

 junaidi: when mr i’m so cool my pants are too small

  and tight

 Yo: Dissertation by Junaidi Aminuddin

 junaidi: shows off by turning the throttle at stationary

  the soudn goes like this

  rreeeenggggggg pit pitpitpitpitpt …pit……..pit

  tadaa!

And there you have it folks!

M*