Bikram Yoga Etiquette
Ok, I feel like the Anal Gatekeeper of All Things Bikram / Superbitch of the day. While I can blame PMS I do NOT PMS everyday, Foo. I am just naturally feisty , I’m sure most, if not all, will agree with me on the following Golden Rules & Etiquette when you step into your studio.
1. No perfume
Seriously, I couldn’t give 2 flying fucks if you’re wearing the latest perfume from Gucci. Neither do I care if the perfume you’re wearing is sourced by blind Mexican monks from Acapulco on a full moon. Perfume [especially EDTs] contain alcohol plus other floral notes, that when mixed with heat [and sweat] does not fly so well with noses. Which brings me to my next point…
2. No BO
Body Odour [or BO] is a no go! The studio’s ALREADY awash with sweaty bodies, we so do not need to endure 1.5 hours of your glorious funk travelling up our noses. If you *think* you have BO, please have a light shower before class.
3. No, I don’t want to see your underpants
While the women over at my studio seem reluctant to take on the bold course of wearing itty bitty shorts for practice [it REALLY does help!], the men on the other hand, seem all gung ho on wearing shorts. Shorts that are so short, when it’s time to do the floor series, I get a sneak preview of their inner thigh perm, underwear, or worse. Just use your imagination as to what’s worse. Seriously guys, please wear tighter pants that hug your thighs so I won’t get “treated” into seeing your pubes or genitals. For the love of ponies, muffins and world peace, PLEASE WEAR BIKE PANTS. *cringe.
4. No pubic messaging
Echoing from my previous point, ladies who wear shorts, please make sure you have your bikini line settled. Or go get a Brazilian. End of story.
5. No talking during class, especially during final savasana
Your conversation as to where to get the cheapest produce or how much you hate the heat does not interest me one bit.
6. No groaning, moaning during class
This is Bikram Yoga, not Mastadon Mating At a Zoo Yoga. Keep the bedroom noises groaning out of the room please, I don’t want your bad chi travelling to my mat.
7. No venting frustrations during class
Seriously guys, it’s only yoga practice, not the asana championship. Take a giant chill pill the size of China, sit back, relax, and ENJOY the class! It doesn’t matter if you fall out 20 times. You’ve learnt 20 times to LOCK THE DAMN KNEE. True story : I’ve stayed in the first part forMONTHS as I didn’t want to kick out and fall down. But fuck it, if I’m going to attend Teacher Training, I’d damn well better perfect up till Part 3 AT LEAST.
8. No blowing nose into towel
It is disgusting, foul and wretched. Please don’t do it. If you’ve got the sniffles, stay the hell away from us. WE have jobs and lives to continue with, you inconsiderate blibbering fool.
9. No chugging water when others are balancing
Pleasseee. I’m thirsty, my throat’s about the consistency of the Sahara and I REALLY WANT to sip and clear my throat, but do you really need to chug your water, lick your lips and let out a very satisfied “aaaaahhh” when I am balancing on one leg?! I know I’m supposed to be concentrating but hell, this is too much. Too. Much.
And last but not least :
10. No complaining about the heat
You paid for it, you’ve come to class consistently for 1 year, please please please please PLEASE let go of “it’s so hot!” out of your head. Before I walk over there and put it out for you. With my tiny, cute and ineffectual fists.