Bikram Yoga Etiquette

Ok, I feel like the Anal Gatekeeper of All Things Bikram / Superbitch of the day. While I can blame PMS I do NOT PMS everyday, Foo. I am just naturally feisty , I’m sure most, if not all, will agree with me on the following Golden Rules & Etiquette when you step into your studio.

1. No perfume

Seriously, I couldn’t give 2 flying fucks if you’re wearing the latest perfume from Gucci. Neither do I care if the perfume you’re wearing is sourced by blind Mexican monks from Acapulco on a full moon. Perfume [especially EDTs] contain alcohol plus other floral notes, that when mixed with heat [and sweat] does not fly so well with noses. Which brings me to my next point…

2. No BO

Body Odour [or BO] is a no go! The studio’s ALREADY awash with sweaty bodies, we so do not need to endure 1.5 hours of your glorious funk travelling up our noses. If you *think* you have BO, please have a light shower before class.

3. No, I don’t want to see your underpants

While the women over at my studio seem reluctant to take on the bold course of wearing itty bitty shorts for practice [it REALLY does help!], the men on the other hand, seem all gung ho on wearing shorts. Shorts that are so short, when it’s time to do the floor series, I get a sneak preview of their inner thigh perm, underwear, or worse. Just use your imagination as to what’s worse. Seriously guys, please wear tighter pants that hug your thighs so I won’t get “treated” into seeing your pubes or genitals. For the love of ponies, muffins and world peace, PLEASE WEAR BIKE PANTS. *cringe.

4. No pubic messaging

Echoing from my previous point, ladies who wear shorts, please make sure you have your bikini line settled. Or go get a Brazilian. End of story.

5. No talking during class, especially during final savasana

Your conversation as to where to get the cheapest produce or how much you hate the heat does not interest me one bit.

6. No groaning, moaning during class

This is Bikram Yoga, not Mastadon Mating At a Zoo Yoga. Keep the bedroom noises groaning out of the room please, I don’t want your bad chi travelling to my mat.

7. No venting frustrations during class

Seriously guys, it’s only yoga practice, not the asana championship. Take a giant chill pill the size of China, sit back, relax, and ENJOY the class! It doesn’t matter if you fall out 20 times. You’ve learnt 20 times to LOCK THE DAMN KNEE. True story : I’ve stayed in the first part forMONTHS as I didn’t want to kick out and fall down. But fuck it, if I’m going to attend Teacher Training, I’d damn well better perfect up till Part 3 AT LEAST.

8. No blowing nose into towel

It is disgusting, foul and wretched. Please don’t do it. If you’ve got the sniffles, stay the hell away from us. WE have jobs and lives to continue with, you inconsiderate blibbering fool.

9. No chugging water when others are balancing

Pleasseee. I’m thirsty, my throat’s about the consistency of the Sahara and I REALLY WANT to sip and clear my throat, but do you really need to chug your water, lick your lips and let out a very satisfied “aaaaahhh” when I am balancing on one leg?! I know I’m supposed to be concentrating but hell, this is too much. Too. Much.

And last but not least :

10. No complaining about the heat

You paid for it, you’ve come to class consistently for 1 year, please please please please PLEASE let go of “it’s so hot!” out of your head. Before I walk over there and put it out for you. With my tiny, cute and  ineffectual fists.

M*

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Posted on June 5, 2009, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 15 Comments.

  1. hi!

    Stumbled upon your blog recently – I practice yoga in Singapore – and totally agree with this post =D

    • Thank you! May I link you up on mine? Which studio do you practice at, BYCH or True Fitness?

      • Sure! I will be honoured to be linked! =)

        I am at BYCH – its great! I read that you got some shorts from there, heez…

      • Yes! My only link to Shaktis … since you’re there, maybe you could help me get some shorts? I [or rather, my friend] had to pay full price 😦

        Would love to go try out other studios in the region! That is, if I have the money.

  2. awesome. “my throat’s the consistency of the sahara” totally brill.
    mei i give you a mei-plus for this piece?

    • All your posts have a McK+ rating! I’ve just told the benders over my place about your 508 day practice to inspire them to take up the 60 day challenge. Makes our 60 days of practice seem oh so insignificant!

  3. *Raises hand sheepishly*

    I am a daily offender of #8.

    If I could throw in my one big pet peeve….

    Do not set your mat and towel right in front of another person when there is plenty of room. You will get stink eye.

    • AH that is so true! Yesterday a woman set her water bottle in my line of sight during spine strengthening. GRRRR!

      Mats over here are provided, you just gotta bring your own towels. But some members like to move mats around or add them to the nearest door, which pisses the instructors off as it may block their line of sight.

  4. secret, i bring in two paper towels for that very reason. never use them, but it’s good to have and a few times teachers have asked me for them to give to someone so they could blow their nose!

    really though, remember, no part of the practise includes blowing your nose or cracking your toes! the latter of which i will admit i am guilty of daily, since we’re confessing bad habits.

    • But don’t your toes crack during the second part of Awkward? In the early morns it sounds like a bunch of geriatrics in the room, what with all the hip cracking, toe cracking, spine cracking, scaphoid cracking going on. Oh wait, that’s just me.

      Ok, here’s mine : Wiping sweat from my eyes. Drinking water after garurasana, tuladandasana, dhanurasana and sasangasana.

      FOUR water breaks!!!! And I drink about a Litre [32 oz] of water during class. Now THAT’S a bad habit I aim to break.

  5. hey sure, not a problem!

    you can email me if you need the shorts – am sure we can work something out.. =)

  6. umm, i agree with it all, but i got a little something to say about this hairy women thing. Mei, i love your blog and feel blessed to share the world with someone as funny, bold and sarcastic as you!

  7. It is refreshing to find you. I was scouring the webs for “Bikram ettiquete” to validate my recent episode. I am generally polite and assertive but I might have crossed the line during yeterday’s Bikram class. A sweaty, hairy guy set up right in front of me, I bet it must have only been his 2nd class or something. A total spaz..He grunted, he wheezed, he coughed repeatedly, his movements were so eratic in my line of sight that I just couldnt concentrate, He was screwing up my chi!! He was struggling and grunting throughout the entire 1st half of the class. Then he farted loudly, that was the last straw! I quietly tapped him on the shoulder and asked him in my sweetest voice to please move to the back of the room. After all, he was a complete distraction and I noticed that I wasnt the only one who was annoyed. He said no. After a few more minutes of subjection to his purest form of agony and outbursts, he ended up finally just picking up his stuff in a huff and stomped out. Ahhhh sweet peace…
    I take my practice seriously. I respect others but this guy just pushed my buttons and I was unable to “tune him out”.
    Was I wrong? Am I a total bitch?

    • Sorry for the late reply, but here are my 2cents for what it’s worth :

      Granted, yes, he shouldn’t have been making exaggerated movements and disturbing the general tranquil and peace of the class, though I’m surprised the instructor did not tell him to look in the mirror to practice stillness and breathe or sit down if he couldn’t do the postures – no point being all flustered and frustrated and affecting other people around. Though another side of the story is : Never let anyone steal your peace.

      I remain on the fence in this situation [maybe he just had a reaaaallly bad day, or maybe the gas was giving him some trouble?], though I must add that with him stomping out of the room, he just gave up and lost.

      Oh well, some days I can be such a bitch in class ie moving someone’s water bottle away during spine strengthening cause it blocks my line of sight. My personal belief that in life, be considerate about people around you [especially so in the yoga room – you’re not the only person practicing yoga!].

  1. Pingback: Just to Clear the Air « Mind Playground

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